Page 115 of The Governess and the Brooding Duke
‘Ask away.’
‘How? How do you show love?’
‘West. That is an odd question.’
‘It is what I desperately need an answer to. Jane told me that my love was a desert. Jane... Jane hated me in the end, Luke. We were not happy. I loved her in the beginning. I wanted very much to be a good husband to her. To be a good father to our children, and I failed at it. Doing the only thing that I knew to do. Which was to be careful and controlled. I demolished all of that with Mary, and I still don’t know. I don’t know what to do.’
‘West,’ said Luke, moving to where he stood and clasping his arm. ‘You must be willing to hurt for her. To be uncertain. You must be willing to say the wrong thing. To do the wrong thing. When you are hurt, you show her. When you are angry, you tell her. When you want something... You tell her.’
‘We do well in bed. We have no trouble speaking there.’
‘And the rest of it?’
‘We speak of things. Of many things. She knows about Jane and I... I know much of her life. But I cannot help but fear that marriage to me...’
‘Marriage? That is quite the upgrade from mistress.’
‘If I am to do this, then I must do it, is that not so? If I am to be with her, then she must be my Duchess, is that not so? I cannot... I cannot bear it. I wish to present her to the world. I wish... I wish to God I lived a different life. So that it could be only about her. Only ever. I don’t care what anyone else thinks, but they will be harsh. My governess, becoming my Duchess.’
‘They will all know that you could’ve made her your mistress. And that she must be something quite extraordinary to be your wife.’
‘Luke...’
‘Just wait a year to get her inthatway.’
‘I have been careful there.’
‘Good. Though accidents do still happen. My wife’s condition being evidence of that. I had not especially wished for a fourth. Here we are.’
‘I have been careful,’ he said.
‘It isn’t important. You are a duke. You can do what you like.’
‘I’m not concerned about that. My concern is that I will not make her happy. That I will trap yet another woman in my version of what love is. When I never saw it. And I wanted so badly to be a good husband for Jane, to be a good father.’
‘Think. How have you changed things with the children? You live with them. You care about the things they care about. You run around with a wooden sword. Care about what she cares about. Do not presume to know what is best for her, ask her. I think that is your problem, West. You hoped that your feelings for Jane would be enough, that you could decide what was best based on that compass inside of you, but you did not consider hers. Already, I think this woman has shown you how to love her in ways that your wife certainly never did.’
It was true. Mary had told him all of her fears. And he had listened. But he had never truly asked her what she wanted. Because he had been afraid of the answer.
Afraid it would be something he could not give.
‘I will stay here tonight if that is well. I must go back tomorrow.’
‘Of course. Mend things with her.’
‘And if I make her my wife?’
‘I will be a bit disappointed that my starchy older brother did not in fact take a step into real scandal. Honestly. To marry the beautiful younger governess... You only makemelook bad.’
‘No one seems to care what you do. Why are there no rumours?’
He laughed. ‘Because if anyone knows what Grace and I do in our spare time, it means they were present. And they cannot admit to that, now, can they?’
Society. So bound up by its own rules. It was not enough to simply not be his father. To hold those rules sacrosanct because his father had flouted them. Because he had surrendered all that power.
He had to decide what living meant for him.
And perhaps that was the lesson.
