Page 39 of Sworn to Silence
“Mein gott.”Jacob falls to his knees, digging with his gloved hands. “This must be it.”
Hope jumps through me. I go to my knees beside him and dig like a dog. My stomach lurches when I see a thatch of dark hair.
He sits back on his heels, his brows knit. “This is very shallow.”
“Gotta be it.” I continue digging, too caught up in the moment to consider his words. “Ground could have shifted. There sure as hell aren’ttwobodies buried here.”
“Katie...”
Only then do I realize we’ve unearthed a dead animal. I see matted fur. The dull white of old bone. The glint of a choke collar tells me it’s a dog. Disappointment spreads through me. I stare at the carcass, denial rising. I look at my brother and choke back angry words. “Damn it, Jacob, we’ve got to find those remains.”
“Do not speak to me with your English tongue.”
I grapple for patience that has long since worn thin. “Can you stop thinking about Amish versus English? This killer makes no distinction! It could just as easily be an Amish girl next!”
“I am trying.”
“Try harder!” In some small corner of my mind I’m aware that I’m not helping the situation by losing my temper, but I can’t stop myself. “Damn it, Jacob, you owe me this.”
My brother blinks, his eyes owlish in the dim light from my flashlight. “I have no debt to you.”
“Oh, come on! A crime was committed that day!Dattswept the entire, sordid mess under the rug. That wasn’t the way it should have been handled, and you know it.”
“Dattdid what he thought was right.”
“Right for whom?”
“The family.”
“What about justice for me?” I smack my chest with my open hand. “I had to go the rest of my life unable to speak of it becauseDattdecided everyone in our family should pretend it never happened! What do you think that did to me?”
His eyes blaze. “You were not the only one affected by the sin we committed that night.”
“I was the only one who was raped and nearly killed! I was the only one who was forced to take a life!” The rage behind my words shocks me. A voice I don’t recognize echoes within the confines of the building, harmonizing weirdly with the howl of the wind.
“All of us have blood on our hands!” Jacob hisses. “We share the same sin.”
“It was different for me! You haven’t looked at me the same since.” I run out of breath. I don’t know where this is coming from. Some emotional pressure cooker that’s been simmering unacknowledged inside me. I try to stop the words, but they gush like blood from a wound. “You didn’t stand by me. You didn’t support me when I made the decision to leave the church.”
“I still do not condone your decision.” He stares at me, his complexion strangely pale against his full beard. “But I will tell you this. If I had held the gun in my hand that day I would have killed for you. I would have gone against God’s will and taken a life because it would have been worse to not have you in this world. This is my sin, too, Katie.”
Tears threaten, but I fight them back. My own breaths billow before my face as I grapple for control. “Then why do you hate me?”
“I do not hate you.”
“You blame me. How can you hold what happened against me?”
My brother says nothing.
“Why?”I shout.
His gaze burns into mine. “I saw you smile at Daniel Lapp.”
My blood freezes in my veins. I feel myself go still as my mind tries to comprehend the meaning behind his words.“What?”
“We were in the pasture. Daniel and I were digging postholes for the fence. It was hot. You brought us lemonade. He looked at you the way a man looks at a woman. Katie, you smiled at him.”
My reaction is physical, like a fist slamming into my gut. Staring into my brother’s eyes, knowing what he is thinking—what he has believed about me all these years—and I feel sick. The old shame churns inside me, a cauldron of acid eating away at my very foundation. “How dare you insinuate what happened was my fault.”
