Page 55 of Must Love Flowers
“I understand you and Mary Lou have become fast friends.”
Joan nodded. “She’s great. Sally, too.”
“Every person in the group has been where you are, Joan. They know exactly what you’re feeling because at one time or another, they’ve been in the same place themselves.”
“I’ve been going through the workbook.”
“Wonderful. Is it helping?”
Joan told the counselor about visiting the cemetery and yelling at Jared and then feeling both guilty and foolish.
“That is understandable and necessary. Not to mention a giant step in the right direction.”
Joan agreed. When she’d returned home, it seemed like a giant weight had been lifted from her heart. The anger had been cleansing. Joan realized this was only the first step and there were many more issues around Jared’s death that she had yet to address. She would, though, in time, and that encouraged her.
“Now that you are coming to terms with the loss, Joan, you can start to look forward to the life ahead of you. There are two ways to consider this.”
“How do you mean?” Joan leaned forward, anxious to understand.
“You can continue to cope as you have been,” Dr. O’Brien said, “but I can see that you’ve already done that to the best of your ability, and it appears it’s no longer working.”
Joan realized Dr. O’Brien was right. Her coping skills, sequestering herself in the house, working jigsaw puzzles, and ignoring anything outside her front door, no longer offered solace.
“The other way may prove to be one of the most difficult aspects of grieving for you to reconcile.”
Joan wasn’t sure she understood.
“From what you’ve said, it feels like you’re ready to move forward and make the best of what you have.”
“Yes. Definitely.”
“And yet there’s the desire to remain connected to Jared.”
That was also true. She couldn’t simply erase the years or forget all that they’d once shared.
“The two go hand in hand, Joan. Back and forth, side by side. Moving forward yet staying connected. Does that make sense?”
Joan still wasn’t entirely sure it did. “Can you give me an example?”
“Of course. Moving forward is attending the group and staying connected is visiting the gravesite. You removed Jared’s clothes from the closet; that was moving forward. Looking through the photo albums was remaining connected. It’s a delicate balance.”
“It is,” Joan agreed. She hadn’t removed Jared’s golf clubs or any of his woodworking equipment, thinking it would be a waste to give it up when one of her sons might want those items later.
“Tell me how you’re feeling right now?” Dr. O’Brien asked.
Joan took a moment to assess her feelings. “Better, I think.” It felt good to tell someone what she’d done and how angry she’d been. “Taking in a boarder was also a step in the right direction.”
“It’s difficult to face being alone,” the counselor said, “especially when you and Jared were together twenty-four/seven.”
That was the crux. If they hadn’t worked together, it might have been just a little easier to accept his passing. The fact that they were always together, nearly attached at the hip, made the adjustment to being single even more difficult.
“There’s a difference between loneliness and aloneness, Joan. As your healing process takes root, you’ll find ways of belonging again, only it won’t be as it once was. I’m grateful you’re continuing with the group. Finding sources that help you grow out of your shell will offer new opportunities.”
Joan could see this was already happening.
“While you and Jared were together, there were times when you were apart, right?”
“Of course.”
