Page 56 of The Time It Takes
His words feel like a punch in the gut. “I didn’t mean to—” I start, bringing my eyes up to meet his. “I just didn’t want you to think lower of me than you already did.”
I watch a vein pop out of his neck as he tightens his jaw. “I need you to leave,” he grits out. The force of his words sends me tumbling back, but I’m caught by two sets of strong hands. Oliver's words are angry, but the look on his face is regretful as if the words aren’t for his benefit, but for someone else.
“Well, wait a damn minute,” Taylor demands. “What the fuck, man?”
“Just let it go,” I croak, turning out of his grasp. “I have.” I pull my board from the sand and move my legs as fast as I can away from them.
It makes me feel dirty, putting Beth on blast like that, but I couldn’t help it. It hurts knowing she decided not to tell him that I came back for him—for Beau. That I wanted to be there for him when he needed me most, just like he was for me. I had shut him out back then, so it was fair to consider he did the same to me.
I’m aware of someone calling my name, but I keep walking. I should have known better than to place myself back into their lives. I’m not their friend anymore. I’m a consequence.
A hand wraps around my bicep and twirls me around. My ears have turned off and everything sounds like a hallucination. I can hardly register the face in front of me.
“Willow?” Dean’s voice softly drones in. I force my eyes to focus and find his eyebrows knitted together with concern.
I jerk my arm out of his grasp. “What?” I snap at him.
He takes a step back, bewildered at my sudden change in mood. “What the hell is your problem?”
“My problem?” I shake my head, a broken laugh crawls out of my throat. “Where should I start?” I ask, gesturing at the air around me.
Dean narrows his eyes at me. “Cut the shit, Vensling.” He swallows, his eyes searching my face for something, and his face instantly softens. “Talk to me.”
“I can’t.” My hand claws at my chest.
“Why not?”
I think back to what Colleen said to me a few days ago. “There’s not enough time. Even now, I’m just borrowing it.”
That’s just an excuse to make yourself feel better about being a coward.
“What do you mean?”
Slowly, Taylor and Oliver approach—Beth hanging on his arm. Taylor’s gaze is cautious. Oliver’s watching me closely like I’m going to shatter.
And then there’s Bethany, looking at me like I’m a piece of trash she’s waiting to take itself out.
I shrug. “I mean I’m out of here soon enough anyway. So, let’s go ahead and waive the goodbye bullshit.” I fix a bitter look in Oliver’s direction. “This was always a round trip after all.” My words sound wrong as I say them, and I have to fight back a grimace.
Hurt flashes across his face and he winces. I pull my attention back to Dean. I know I’m deflecting my pain onto them. It’s wrong and I do it anyway because I could never attack the one person who deserved my wrath. My therapist is going to give me an earful about this.
“I never should’ve come back. This was a mistake.”
“You’re not going anywhere,” Taylor speaks up, stepping into my view. “You just got here.”
“Let’s not pretend I was ever going to stay.”
Dean advances toward me, but I hold my hand up, stopping him. “I’m done,” I breathe.
Anger flashes across his features. “Done with what?”
“Pretending like I’m worth keeping around.” I turn away and say to them over my shoulder, “Feel free to do the same.”
I can’t remember the last time I felt anything other than prickly skin and a heart that’s forgotten how to be loved—a heart that now feels undeserving of those who won’t stop knocking on its door. I’ve left every visitor out on the steps, sitting in blizzards and hailstorms. I’ve lost enough to know that to find love is to someday lose it.
A different ending.
I no longer questioned if it was possible. Only if I was worthy of such a miracle. I frown to myself. The world has never granted me one before, why would it now?
