Page 50 of The Time It Takes
He took a deep breath as if bracing himself. “Years, Will. For years.”
Realization slammed into me, and I nearly vomited. “Is that why she stopped sending the money?” I asked, hoping it wasn’t true. “Because she found out you were using some of it for drugs?”
He swallowed as he took in the hurt on my face.
“I assume that’s part of the reason, but Iwasn't, Willow. I promise I wasn't.” My eyes filled with tears I didn’t want to shed. He answered my next question before I could ask it. “Guess I was at the wrong place at the wrong time. Someone must have recognized me and saw what I was doing.”
My hurt came from a different place now. If she knew, why didn’t she tell me?
He must have seen it, because he went on, “Like I said, it’s not your burden to bear. It’s mine, and I hate myself for it. For the mess I’m fucking making, but I’m going to fix it, Will, I promise you that. I’m going to get my shit together.”
My bottom lip trembled. “For both our sakes, I hope that’s true.”
“It is.”
I nodded half-heartedly.
He sat forward in the recliner, his face serious. “I can fix it, alright? I’ll be better, I promise.”
I took in his promise, but it didn’t mean much right now. All my life, I’d felt failed by those I loved most. Putting Ben into that category broke me. He was supposed to be my rock and I, his. I couldn’t do this without him. I might have been his life vest, but he was my whole damn boat.
That thought alone was what caused me to finally snap. My tears were hot on my face as I let them fall. I opened my mouth to speak, but words failed me.
I couldn’t see through my blurred vision but felt Ben take a seat next to me. He wrapped both of his arms around me, and I grabbed onto him like he’d take me to shore and out of this shitty reality.
“I’m sorry, Willow. I’m so fucking sorry,” he whispered hoarsely into my hair as I sobbed against his chest.
“You’re a-all I have l-left,” I stuttered as I tried to catch my breath.
“Shh,” he soothed, running his hand in circles over my back. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
He held me until my breathing normalized and the tears fell slower. He was my safe place and I wished I was his too.
“Say you’ll stop,” I choked.
“I’ll stop.”
I pulled away from him, wiping my eyes. “Swear it,” I demanded softly.
He wrapped my pinky in his, holding it in a death grip. “I swear, kid.”
In that moment I could only hope he was telling the truth as I prayed to the universe to hold onto him just as tightly as I was.
Chapter Ten
Present
Iwademywaythrough the small shed in the yard in search of my yellow surfboard. The protective bag is covered in dust. I reach over to grab it just as my body stutters at the sight of a longer bag beside it. I run my finger down the zipper, knowing that if I unzipped it, I’d see a royal blue board that was Ben’s and before that, my father’s.
Looking away, I lift the yellow board and haul it over my head. The sun hasn’t come up yet and I could only manage to sleep for three hours after the short confrontation with Oliver. My thoughts have been a matted mess. Out of all the scenarios I’ve imagined in my head, I never considered the fact that he could hate me.
After leaning the board against the shed, I collect the supplies I need to wax it. I walk over to the hose and spray it down before removing it from the bag. I don’t have anything to lay it on, so I place it across my lap as I apply the base coat in small circles. When I finish with that, I proceed to apply another layer.
Once I’m done, I don’t let myself think as I tuck the board underneath my arm and walk out onto the beach. I’m not wearing a bodysuit this morning. Instead, I’m wearing a black bikini. The sky starts to fade into a hue of pink as the sun begins to peak from the horizon. When I reach the shoreline, where the waves crash gently into the sand, I don’t let myself stop. Because if I do, I’ll turn around and pretend this isn’t what I want.
The water feels smooth against my skin but makes me feel as if I weigh a ton as I paddle through it. My arms already feel like noodles by the time I reach a calm point in the water. I sit up on my board and stare out as far as my eyes will let me. I sit patiently as I watch the sunrise and as I do, every memory I have out here resurfaces.
I’m missing how it made me feel less visible to the rest of the world. Like it knew all my secrets and kept me safe against them. The truth was always out here, and it’s the only truth I can easily let touch me without feeling panic.
