Page 106 of The Time It Takes
He smiles at this. I continue, “It’s about a girl who had a brother named Ben, but she called him Benji because he absolutely hated it.”
I take in Julian’s reactions as I talk. I let myself see every twitch in his eyebrow and every bob in his throat. For the first time in a long time, I talk about my brother and don’t feel sadness or pain. Only peace in knowing he gets to live in someone else’s mind aside from mine.
TO MEAN SOMETHING TO SOMEONE MIGHT BE THE GREATEST GIFT AND THE HEAVIEST RESPONSIBILITY.
Ten years ago
Istareddownatmy diploma as I sat at the dining room table. I was officially a high school graduate. I was still wearing my green gown, not having had the energy to remove it. I bit my thumbnail as my eyes darted to my acceptance letter from Juilliard.
A full-ride scholarship.
I hadn’t told my mother yet. I felt indifferent about her not showing up to my graduation. She hadn’t even called. She missed my senior prom too. She missed everything.
There was a party at some guy named Ryan’s house that I immediately didn’t feel like going to. I thought graduating high school would be different than this—this feeling of hardly knowing what to do next. I knew where I should go—New York to attend Juilliard, but what was I going to do with myself once I got there? Everything I loved was here.
An ache churned in my gut at the thought of leaving Oliver. We just started something, and I didn’t want to ruin it by leaving.
I swallowed the distaste in my mouth and picked up my phone to call my mother. When I only got her voicemail, I sighed.
“Hey Mom, it’s me. Your uh, daughter. I graduated today and haven’t heard from you in a while. I hope you’re somewhere celebrating for me since I’m not feeling all that well. Please tell me you’re somewhere in the mountains where it’s raining.” I let out a breathy laugh. “Remember when I was a little girl and you used to hate it whenever it rained, because I’d run outside into it? Dad always danced in it with me. You would watch us through the window and yell for us to come back inside or we’d get sick.”
I stood and walked over to the window, exactly where she used to stand. I could almost see my father and me running around in circles, stomping in puddles as the world cracked apart. “The funny thing is, I always hoped I’d get sick so that I could stay home and hang out with him all day.” My brows furrowed as I ran my fingers along the windowsill. “It took me years after his death to realize that he’s been sick his whole life. When you’re a kid, you don’t notice those things. You don’t pay attention to everything that’s wrong. All you see when you’re a kid is who’s there and who’s not. He’s been dead for nine years and he’s in more of my memories than you are.” I took a deep breath. “I don’t know why I thought you might be here when I got back. That I’d walk into the kitchen and find you pulling cake out of the oven or see one of those cheesy banners hanging on the walls that parents sometimes get for their kids to emphasize how proud they are of them. Anyways, I think I’m running out of time so, I just wanted to say that I miss you and even though Ben never calls, he misses you too.”
I hung up the phone and squeezed it until I heard it crack. I suddenly felt alone, and I only knew one person who could cure it. Just as I was making my way upstairs to change, I heard Ben’s bedroom door open.
AC/DC blasted through the air. Sadie appeared at the top of the stairs in nothing but her black thong and lacy—very see-through—bra. I did my very best not to roll my eyes.
I saw how Ben was celebrating my graduation. Gross.
At least he showed up. He showed up for everything. For that, I didn’t want to force him to hang out with me afterward. He was so loud when they called my name that I thought he might have gotten kicked out. When I showed him my acceptance letter to Juilliard, he didn’t even look surprised—as if he knew it would happen. As if it couldn’t have been any other way. The amount of faith he had in me made my heart scream with pride.
“Hey,” she grumbled as she passed me on the stairs. I stared after her in half-disgust. The only reason I refrained from tripping her was because she seemed to care for Ben’s wellbeing. I still said nothing as I reached the top of the steps. Ben emerged just as he was pulling up his sweatpants.
I crinkled my nose. “It reeks of sex in there.”
Ben smirked as he tied his drawstrings.
“Also, does she really have to walk around the house like that?” I asked. “I’m sure she didn’t arrive that way.”
“Trust me, it’s not any better.”
I feigned a gag, and his smug smile grew. My eyes caught on the glint of metal on the headboard. My jaw dropped. “Handcuffs?” I shrieked. “Seriously?”
He chuckled and shrugged just as Sadie was walking back up the stairs with two glasses of water. He pulled her against him, and she squealed, causing half of the water to slosh onto the floor. Sadie leaned in and kissed his jaw.
I scratched my cheek, feeling awkward. “Well, I’m going to take this as my cue to get the hell out of here.”
Ben reared his head back to look at me. “Are you going to that asshole’s party?”
My eyebrows shot upward. “You don’t even know him, but he’s an asshole?”
“He’s an eighteen-year-old with a dick, so yeah I think I do.”
I snorted. “I’m not going anyway. I’m going over to Oliver’s." There wasn’t a solid reason why I hadn’t told Ben about what happened between Oliver and me. It just never seemed like a good time to bring it up. The way he looked at me made me feel like he already knew everything I wasn’t saying.
Eventually, he nodded. “Will you be back tonight?”
I glanced between him and Sadie—the latter excusing herself to go to the bathroom.
