Page 100 of The Time It Takes
I stand up on my leg, ignoring the pain. “You love her,” I say. “You love her, and you were ready to marry her—”
“The only reason I thought about getting that damn ring is because it’s what you’re supposed to do. Because it was what I should have wanted. Yes, I love her. Is that what you want to hear?” He steps forward, towering over me so that I have to look up to meet his eyes.
Not really, no. That’s not what I want to hear at all—yet it’s exactly what I need to hear, so I nod.
His face twists in dismay as my stomach threatens to erupt through my mouth at his words. I pinch my eyes closed as I let my tears fall freely. He doesn’t catch them like I wish he would. “She doesn’t drive me crazy. She doesn’t chase after rain and hellfire. She doesn’t make me constantly wonder what she’s going to do next. She doesn’t act like you. She doesn’t laugh like you. She’s simple and I fell for her because she hasn’t been destroyed by anything yet.”
My eyebrows knit together, and I take a step away from him. “Destroyed,” I repeat.
“I didn’t mean it like that.” He runs a frustrated hand through his hair.
“You did,” I say simply, softly.
He groans in misery. “No, Willow, I fucking didn’t. Jesus, this is all so fucking confusing. I can’t seem to close my mouth around you. It’s like you steal my goddamn filter.”
“Don’t blame your conscience on me, Ollie. Be a man and stick to your word,” I bite out.
He stares at me in disbelief. “Stick to my word?” he scolds. “I kept my promise, and it hurts like hell that you didn’t keep yours.”
I let out a shaky breath as I process the truth in that statement. I hurt him deeply. If I could’ve taken on the weight of that pain for him, I would have done it without a second thought.
“What do you want from me?”
He doesn’t hesitate. “Forever.”
“I can’t give you what we had.”
“We barely had anything, Will. That was us just getting started.” His jaw clenches as he grasps the back of his neck with his hands as he stares up at the sky. “You can’t blame me for loving someone else, especially when you weren’t around.”
“Is that what you want?” I ask him, finding strength in my voice. “Something pretty to look at that’s just as shiny on the inside.” I push him and he stumbles a few steps back. “A girl who looks at the world and sees only its beauty and grace—and not as a time capsule of nothing but corpses. A girl who will look at you and lie because the words sound better that way.” I push him again, but he doesn’t budge. “You want a girl who keeps you sane. You want predictability. Well, guess what Ollie, you want something that will never build a foundation strong enough to last forever.”
I go to push him again, but he grabs my wrists. “You’re such a damn fool. The only thing in my life that I’ve ever wanted as badly as I want you is for you to want me back.” He brings my hands up to his cheeks. “I have spent most of my life loving you, while you have only loved me in moments of convenience.”
“That’s not true,” I protest through my teeth.
“It is, but you didn’t let me finish. I told Beth that when I met her, I was still getting over someone. Even after that, she still took the time to get to know me. After a while, I started to see potential there. It was easy and loving her came naturally.”
I pull my hands away, not bothering to hide the distaste on my face. I can’t help it. My heart is breaking all over again.
“But then I realized something. There was only so far my love for her would go. Because even though I was letting myself love her, not once did I ever stop being in love with you. You were never a distraction. It was always everything else. It’s not fair to her and I always knew that. I know she was aware of it too. It’s hard for her not to notice how many parts of me don’t belong to her. Everything I am and everything I have has never stopped being yours. Your name is written on my soul and that sort of stain never wears off.”
My heart speeds up and I find it hard to control my breathing. He takes a step forward and I start to back away from him. His face falls and his eyes grow sad. I spare one more glance at my broken board before turning and walking toward the house. My leg burns in warning with each step I take.
It's nearly impossible to concentrate with the throbbing pain in my thigh. When I reach the house, I retreat immediately to the bathroom in my old bedroom. I open the medicine cabinet and pull out the first aid kit as my memories try to assault me. The kit slips out of my hand and falls to the floor.
I scoop everything up and throw it on the counter, half of it going into the sink. I mix half a cup of water and another of hydrogen peroxide. I lay down a towel and stand on it. I can sense Oliver standing behind me as I pour it over my wound. I suck in a breath at the sting.
I focus on the task of rinsing my wound as I say softly, “I always wanted you. The reason you never knew it was because I was always too much of a coward to say anything. I never thought you’d see me that way. I always thought I was just the girl you grew up with. I’ve always loved you—always wanted you. I can’t remember a time when that wasn’t true.”
I feel his chest press against my back. The tips of his fingers trail against my skin as he moves my hair off my shoulder.
I inhale a shaky breath. “You’re just as much a part of my soul as I am yours. But I am in no condition to love something just to lose it. I want everything with you or nothing at all. When I say I’m in this time, I need you to believe me.”
He dips his head into the nape of my neck, placing small desperate kisses. “You have all of me, Damsel.” His breath tickles my skin and it’s like his words enter my bloodstream. Slowly, he turns me around to face him. His hands grip my waist and then he’s hoisting me up onto the counter. He reaches for the gauze and starts to gently wipe away the dried blood.
“What about when I go back to New York?” I ask him and he visibly stiffens.
“We’ll figure it out,” he says. Before I can roll my eyes at that, he looks up at me. “It changes absolutely nothing. Whatever we need to do to make it work, I’ll do it.”
