Page 126 of The Time It Takes
New York didn’t know me yet. I didn’t have to worry about pretending to be okay. All I had to do was be.
My mother left the morning after the funeral without saying goodbye. Her actions toward me made me feel guilty. After the service, she had only said one thing to me. “You were supposed to take care of each other.”
That was all she gave me. A little guilt to add to the pain if only to ease her own.
There was a knock on my door, but I ignored it.
“Willow?” The voice was soft and scratchy, but I recognized it. “Can I come in?”
I didn’t bother moving from my spot on the bed. “It’s open.”
Sadie pushed open the door and I took in the bags under her eyes. She didn’t come to the funeral. I didn’t have it in me to be mad at her for it. People grieved differently.
Her bottom lip trembled when I patted the spot next to me. She didn’t hesitate to crawl onto the bed and lie down. Her body faced mine and I could tell she wanted to say something, but she was hesitant.
She didn’t ask me how I was and I didn’t ask her. We both knew we weren’t fine—not at all. Her bleached hair was a little matted as if she hadn’t washed it in days and her black eyeliner was smudged down her cheeks from where she’d been crying.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come to the funeral,” she whispered hoarsely. Her eyes filled with tears as she shook her head. She seemed disgusted with herself. “I feel—I don’t know how to—I’m just…”
Seeing her shiver, I lifted the blanket that was around me for her to scoot in. Her eyes softened as she did. It was weird to find comfort in each other. I didn’t even know her, but Ben did. She knew him differently than I did. It was weird because it felt like I needed this. I needed proof that she cared.
“Did you love him?” I asked, my chest tightening.
She nodded, smiling sadly. “In every way I knew how to. I like to think he loved me too.”
Sadie was the only girl who seemed to stick, so in his own way, I knew he loved her. “He may show it differently than most, but his heart was soft.”
She sniffled. “Yeah. It was.”
A few minutes of silence passed between us, and it felt nice. Strangely enough, being close to her was like being close to Ben again. I wondered if she felt the same and that was why she came.
“I miss him,” she admitted eventually.
“I know. Me too.”
Sometimes I thought I could still hear him in the house. Sometimes it was the cling of dishes or a creak in the floorboards and for one moment I got to pretend he still existed.
After a few minutes of basking in quietness, something must have crossed Sadie’s mind because her body tensed beside me.
“Willow, I need to tell you something about what happened that night.” As soon as the words were out, she burst into tears, her hand flying up to her mouth as she choked on her words. “Oh, God, it’s all my fault.”
Though everything in my body was telling me to get up and get the hell away from her, I didn’t.
Ben would have wanted me to listen. And so, I did.
Her next words nearly made me faint, all while hope fluttered in my chest at the thought that a piece of the person I loved most would get to exist in the same world as me.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Present
Oliverspentthedaymaking sure everything for the charity event tonight was in order. I spent my time lounging around and going over my set for Julian’s showcase. He’s doing the final touches on the models and dancers at this very moment.
I’m all smiles today. I’m happier than I ever imagined I would be again. My conscience is clear—for the most part. I still need to find the time to talk with Dean, Phoebe, and Taylor. The important part is that Oliver knows. He’s always been the one who weighed heavy on my conscience the most. I hadn’t realized exactly how twisted up inside I was because of it.
No matter how dark it got, he never stopped seeing me. Even now, I can feel his eyes on me as I lay out on his balcony. I already have my hair and makeup done. I’m in nothing but Oliver’s button-up shirt as I sit with my eyes closed and my head tilted toward the sun. I feel him take the barely sipped wine from my hand and set it on the table next to me.
“I didn’t know you liked wine so much,” he says quietly.
