Page 125 of The Time It Takes
I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and without even looking at him, I threw myself into his arms. He wrapped me up immediately and let me cry into his chest in silence.
On top of everything that had happened, I stilllove. I just didn’t know if he could ever look at me the same again if I told him what happened to me. I hadn’t told anyone. I’d been too busy planning my own brother’s funeral. I tried to talk to my mother, but she wouldn’t even look at me. I didn’t want to cause anyone any more pain.
So, when Frank caught a glimpse of the bruise on my jaw, I lied, and everyone thought it was the truth. That I had a surfing accident.
Typical. Reckless. Willow.
His hand came down on my back, motioning in soothing circles. Out of all the people who believed me, I didn’t know why I held out hope that Oliver might not.
“I’ve got you,” Oliver whispered in my ear. I didn’t know why his grip tightened on me until I opened my eyes and watched as they brought out my brother’s ashes.
Knowing this was it for us, I lifted my chin and grabbed Oliver’s hand as I walked back to my mother who was waiting with her head down. Frank stood next to her, his hands gripping her shoulders. I bit back the bitterness I felt when she allowed his comfort and not her own daughter’s.
Oliver stood firmly at my side with his body angled toward mine as I reached for the box.
The funeral officiant asked softly, “Would you like to say anything?”
I looked over at my mother and she shook her head. “I can’t do this again,” she croaked, her voice cracking. It was the first words I’d heard her speak since she arrived last week.
I looked away and out into the crystal blue water. There wasn’t a cloud in sight, and I focused on the heat of the sun burning into my skin. I removed the lid and stared down at all that was left of everything my brother was. His entire being was now shrunken down to the size of this wooden box.
My life felt like Deja vu as I thought of my father’s funeral. I was hit with a pain so blinding that my knees buckled. Oliver’s arms came around my waist to keep me upright.
I thought of all the things I could say in front of these people, but the truth was that I’d already told him everything. I slept in his bed. I wore his clothes. I talked to him like he was still there, and I’d never stop doing that. He wasn’t gone, not in the sense that I knew he wasn’t with me. I could imagine him right then, telling me I was an ugly crier and that I should probably stop.
A light laugh cracked in my throat as the corner of my mouth lifted because I could hear his voice so clearly in my mind.
“I hope heaven lets you drive fast. I hope the waves are huge. I hope Dad’s there too.” My throat tried to close but I pushed past it. “I’ll never stop missing you. I’ll never stop loving you. You are all the best parts of life. You were everything I needed you to be and now you’re gone and I’m not sure how to go on like this, but I know you’ll be watching over me. The both of you.”
I stepped closer, readying myself to let him go and allow the ocean to take him.
“I forgive you,” I whispered as I watched the ashes carry in the wind and fall into the water. I caught myself on the rail as I took deep breaths to steady myself.
A sudden rumble of thunder sounded in the distance. I looked up and the sky was still completely clear. My heart plummeted down into my stomach.
Ben.
I smiled.So, they did let you drive fast up there.
“You were always there for me. On time, every time. But I wish you could have been late to this, Ben.” My mouth trembled as my chest burned.
“I’ll miss you forever,” I said under my breath.
That evening, Oliver and I paddled out to where the waves no longer rose and stayed until the sun disappeared.
AFTER THAT DAY, I shut everyone out.
I didn’t mean to, but after the funeral, I wanted to be alone. Some nights Oliver would sit outside my bedroom door waiting for me to come out. I’d listen to him talk and tell me about his day, but I'd never respond.
I didn’t know who I was anymore.
I didn’t know how to pick up what was left of me off the floor. I didn’t know how to come to terms with what happened to me. No matter how many times I wanted to speak up, I knew everyone would look at me differently. I could feel all the good parts of myself being torn away like they were was being cut from my flesh.
I was in pain. I was in agonizing pain, only I couldn’t point it out. It was everywhere. I was falling apart and into a void.
It’d been a month since I lost my brother and the ache had not dulled—it never would. I was hopelessly grasping at hope and there was only one thing left for me to do. The one thing Ben would have demanded me to do. He would have wanted me to go to Juilliard. He’d want me to make a life for myself outside of the place that continued to fall apart around us. It was the only option I could see clearly because it was what he would have wanted.
Getting away from here was also becoming what I wanted too.
