Page 123 of The Time It Takes
I close my eyes and hold my lips to his skin in a lingering kiss. He’s always been the moon controlling my tides; the thing that reminds me that I exist for something important. A cosmic purpose, perhaps. I know the moment he opens the folder because his entire body goes rigid. I only hold him tighter as my heart plummets down into my stomach.
This is my biggest lie of all.
“What is this?” His question comes out sharp, but he’s still calm. He begins to flip through the papers. I know he’s reading every single word. His head lifts once he finishes and he looks over at me.
“The dates…” he starts but stops himself. He looks back down at the sheet in front of him; my name at the top of the page. “This can’t be right.” He shakes his head as he thinks. His brows furrow and his jaw ticks. “These are pregnancy checkups and prescriptions.” He shakes his head again.
“They are,” I confirm quietly.
He looks at me and my stomach twists at the look on his face. I place my hand on his arm. “What you’re seeing is the truth, but it is also a lie.”
His mouth opens and then closes, clearly not sure what to say. Finally, he says, “Damsel.” A soft warning telling me to start making sense.
I sit up and cross my legs so that my body is facing him. "You said you followed me for a year,” I remind him, looking for confirmation. After a long moment, he nods. “Did you see me at all during that time?” I ask.
His throat bobs with a swallow and he dips his chin. His face shifts as something dawns on him. I take in a long breath of air. “You know it wasn’t me who was pregnant.”
Oliver sucks in a sharp breath, yet I can tell he’s still clueless. I’m still not sure how to say it.
“You have to understand that I promised someone else I wouldn’t tell anyone, but now it feels ridiculous because she’s so fucking perfect. She’s so beautiful, Ollie. There’s so much of him in her eyes.” Tears cloud my vision, and he reaches out to grab my hands. I drop my head and take a deep breath. When I look back up at him, tears fall. “That same night Sadie found out she was pregnant, and Ben had freaked out about it.” His hands tighten around mine. “That night Ben left me a voicemail before he got back to the house. At first, I thought that when he said,tell her I’m sorryhe meant our mother.” I shake my head and bite back the tears I’m desperately trying to make go away. I wanted to be strong for this. “I was so mad at him. Like never before.” I let out a shaky breath. “But it turns out it’s pretty hard to stay angry with the dead.”
He glances between me and the folder. “Ben has a daughter,” he says to himself.
I nod. “She’s nine years old and her name is Lily.” My brows furrow at the memory. “Before I left, Sadie had told me she was pregnant but that she wasn’t going to keep the baby. It broke my heart. I told her I would help her raise the baby and that we could do it together, but her decision had been made. I was such a wreck, and I was so angry with everyone. I felt like I was losing everything. She was carrying my niece and it killed me knowing she was going to give it away to a stranger.”
I allow my face to fall. I let all my guilt, rage, and regret show on my features. “I left angry and petrified of the world. At how cruel it could be. It took everything in me to leave, but it felt so much better than staying,” I admit.
I expect to see something other than understanding in his eyes, but there it is.
His thumbs draw circles on my skin. “Where is she now?”
I smile. “With her parents in New Jersey.” I swallow, my smile fading away. “I met her mother on the plane ride to New York the day I left. Abigail had been seeking out professional opinions in different states. She and her husband were trying to have a baby and it nearly destroyed their marriage. She was going to New York to visit with her brother before he left for Europe. He was also the one paying all her medical bills. They used every penny they saved up.” I take in a breath. “It felt a lot like fate, Ollie. I mean we were seated right beside each other. We were both crying and devastated at what life had thrown at us.” I can taste the salt from my tears in my mouth. “We both knew we were meant to find each other on that day at that exact time.”
The silence stretches between us, and I know he’s still trying to absorb all of this. I watch his eyes get caught in a trance and his teeth chew his bottom lip. He runs a hand over his face, and I hate that he has to let me go to do it. When he looks back at me his features are soft and open.
“Do you get to see her?” he asks softly.
“All the time.” I close my mouth and then open it again, hesitating. “Her mother is Julian’s sister.”
His eyes widen slightly. I continue, “They grew up in the foster system together. They both know what it’s like to not have a family. That when babies are put into the system it’s almost impossible for them to get out. They’re overcrowded and they’ve had some bad homes growing up. It made me sick to my stomach to hear about it. Sadie didn’t hesitate when I mentioned it all to her. She flew out immediately and stayed with me. I let her use my insurance. It was illegal as hell, but since Abigail struggled with money, I insisted. Abigail understood that I was part of the package deal. She knew who that baby was to me. Sadie would visit some in the beginning, but it got too hard for her as time went on.”
I take a deep breath. "Before I left, I found a letter in Ben's closet. He left money for me in case something ever happened to him. I made a savings account for Lily instead because he wrote it before knowing about her existence. It felt like the right thing to do."
Minutes pass by as Oliver watches me. After a while, he stands and begins to pace around the bedroom. My head follows his every movement, going back and forth—back and forth. So much so that it was beginning to irritate my neck. He stops at the end of the bed with his hands clasped over his mouth. He shakes his head, but I know it’s his brain still trying to comprehend everything.
“How have you held this in for so long?” he finally asks.
I shrug. “It wasn’t really my secret to tell. Sadie didn’t want anyone to know. She thought she’d be judged for it. Giving up her dead boyfriend’s baby and all.” The words sound more casual than they are. I say it as if we’re discussing the weather. I’ve only had ten years to process it all.
He closes his eyes and nods. I’m not sure how to simmer down the truth. It’s exactly as I told it. I laid it bare in front of him.
“Do you want to see a picture of her?” I ask, just above a whisper. He nods slowly and I grab my phone from the nightstand. I pull up a photo of Lily sitting on the kitchen counter when she was three, the two of us covered in flour. Abigail took the photo just as she wiped a hand full of pink icing across my face. I could still hear her laugh in that photo, and it makes me smile. I turn the phone so that Oliver can see the picture.
He takes the phone from my hand, and I watch as his face changes. A wave of guilt smacks me like never before. He has no idea how many times I wanted to tell him. How many times I wanted to pick up the phone just to hear his voice. Right now, the way he’s staring at the picture reminds me how much I’ve made him miss. There’s a sadness coating his gaze on my phone, but also a relief. An immense amount of relief. Like he too sees Lily as a gift.
I clear my throat. “If you swipe there’s more,” I tell him. I watch his thumb slide across the screen as he looks at each photo. I watch him zoom in on one before turning it to face me. It’s of us at the aquarium. I talked Abigail and Michael into spending a day together, just the two of them, so I got to spend the entire day with Lily. I had a stranger take a photo of us to send them. It’s a photo of us looking through the glass at the dolphins. Only in the photo, Lily is looking up at me. Her tiny six-year-old hand wrapped around my thumb.
“She adores you,” Oliver states, his tone mischievous. I look up to find the corner of his mouth lifted in a soft smile.
