Page 35 of Up in Smoke
“Bowenismy family.” Sera’s eyes filled with tears. “Excuse me. I have to go.”
Erin scooted out of the booth quickly before Sera could touch her. She and Polly watched in silence as Sera jogged down the restaurant aisle and out the door. Going to her man. It was so obvious. Exactly like Erin needed to do. She needed to see Connor. With the image of him shot still fresh in her mind, the day she’d spent away from him felt criminal. For people like them, time was precious and she was squandering it. Like a coward.
She wouldn’t be a coward anymore.
Touching might be painful for her. But the pain would prove she was real. It would prove that despite what she’d been through, she’d come out on the other side. Battle-scarred, butalive. She never felt more alive than when she was touching Connor. If she took a leap of faith, if she let him touch her, would it magnify that feeling or crush it?
Only one way to find out.
“I have to go, too.”
“Aaand I have my table back.” Polly flickered a serious glance at her. “Hey, uh…good luck.”
“Thanks.”
She would need it.
Chapter Fourteen
For what seemed like the hundredth time that hour, Connor paused in his research, swearing he heard booted footsteps coming down the hall. After a few seconds of hopeful silence, he went back to reading the web page he’d pulled up on his laptop screen and resumed scribbling notes. At first, he’d started researching Erin’s condition as a way to distract himself. If he could focus on something else, maybe he’d have a chance in hell of staying put. Not slamming out of the apartment to walk the streets shouting for her like a goddamn lunatic. At least, that’s how it had started.
About five minutes after typing “fear of being touched” into the search engine, he’d realized this was where his time could be better spent. Erin had said she would come home, and he had to trust her on that. He’d abused her trust, albeit on accident, and now he would atone. Based on what he’d learned since sitting down in front of the laptop, he had a lot of fucking atoning to do. Yeah, his using her condition against her might have been inadvertent, but it didn’t excuse his withholding himself. She’d found a way to ease her demons and he’d yanked it away. Remembering the way he’d turned her away last night made him sick to his stomach. An empty triumph that had only succeeded in pushing her away after they’d taken two steps forward. After she’d charged straight at him and held him, only seconds having passed since he’d shattered a window with his fist.
It had felt so good, just to regain some vestige of control after losing it at the parking structure, but it hadn’t been worth it. Not even close. He doubted Erin even knew what she was dealing with. Haphephobia. The fear of being touched that often presented itself after a traumatic event. Touch from another human being often felt like fire burning the sufferer’s skin. The fact that she got pleasure from contact with his body was a rare miracle and he’d squandered it. God, if he could go back to last night, he’d let her hand wring every ounce of pleasure from his body and beg for more. He’d been a selfish motherfucker.
So he couldn’t touch her with his hands. Yet. Would he trade the connection he had with Erin for someone who allowed his touch, but didn’t make himfeelanything? No way in hell. Now he had to prove that to her. If it meant setting aside his overwhelming compulsion to pin her down and put his mark on her, if it meant putting himself through torture by going slow, he would do it. A significant factor in his thirst for control came from satisfying the woman. For the first time ever, the woman washiswoman. Knowing he was the only one Erin could stand to touch might just be the most powerful piece of control he’d ever experienced. Too bad it had taken her almost walking out on him twice to figure it out. Now that he knew, his veins were pumped full of might.
Touch me, woman. If she walked in the door right now, he just might shout it at her.
But not tonight. Tonight they would talk. If a traumatic event had led to her phobia, he wanted to know every last detail, even if it might send him off on a rampage to avenge her. At least it would be out in the open. At least he would know what memories they needed to conquer. After he knew the full scope of what they were dealing with, he would take the steps to ensure her stepfather couldn’t hurt her. When Erin had run out on him this morning, he’d been restless with the urge to do something proactive to help her, but he had nothing to go on yet. So he’d settled for research. For now.
Footsteps.
Connor pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to ignore the sound. It was just his imagination. She would come home when she was ready. He couldn’t conjure her up by his will alone.
When the door opened, his hand clenched so tight that the pencil between his fingers snapped. She stood outlined in the entrance looking so heartbreakingly stunning, he couldn’t form words. Her eyes were heavy with so many emotions, he couldn’t capture them all before she was striding toward him. Sex pounded in his ears. There was no other description for it. Her hips snapped side to side with every step, breasts swaying beneath her shirt. Erin always threw off sexual energy in waves, but she’d turned it up, daring him not to look at her tight thighs, her exposed belly, her parted mouth.
Talk to her. You have to talk.Out of self-preservation, Connor stood and started to put some distance between them. But he stopped. He couldn’t reject her touch again. Hewouldn’t. Not when she needed it. Jesus, he needed it, too. With her standing in front of him, the desire was practically eating him alive, stripping him down until all that existed was her first touch. Where it would land. How it would wrangle the chaos inside, getting him hard at the same time. How she’d get aroused just by pressing her hands to his skin.
First, he needed to apologize. Needed her to know he understood what she went through on a daily basis now and things would be better. He’d make it so. “I’m sorry, Erin. I didn’t know.”
Her steps didn’t slow. “Know what?”
“What it feels like.” He swallowed the knot in his throat. “When someone touches your pretty skin. My frustration is nothing compared to that. Nothing. I’ll never use it to hurt you.”
She came to a stop, her booted toes bumping his. “But I was counting on it.”
Confusion hit him. “What?”
The seductive way she looked up at him through her eyelashes caused base lust to swirl in his gut. Christ. What the hell was her game? Keeping her gaze locked on him, Erin started to undo his belt buckle. “I want you to fuck me, Connor.”
His cock swelled so severely, he groaned through his teeth. “You don’t mean that. It’s too fast.” He watched her lower the zipper of his jeans and reach inside, palming his erection through his boxer briefs.Oh God, it felt so fucking perfect, it took all his willpower not to thrust shamelessly into her grip. “Put your hands all over me, Erin. I’ll never ask you to stop again. But I won’t hurt you. I refuse.”
“Please.” She went up on her toes and nipped at his neck. “I’m feeling brave. Don’t tell me no. I might not feel this brave tomorrow.”
“There’s no ru—” She found his mouth at the same time her hand started to stroke his cock, making his breath shudder out against her lips. “I don’t want you brave. I want you ready.”
“I’m both.” A small sound escaped her. “What if I lost you?”
