Page 106 of The Shadows Between Us
His body turns as if to leave, but, realizing he’s not quite done yet, he reaches for my fingers. He keeps his eyes on mine as he slides off my glove, slowly releasing each finger before tugging the whole thing off. The kiss he gives the back of my hand is not soft, not gentle. But purposeful, lingering, full of the passion he feels.
It’s a reminder that he can touch me. Hewilltouch me if I choose him, and Kallias won’t.
I cannot lie, the contact is delicious, but that is all it is. Skin touching skin. My feelings for Leandros don’t traverse so deep.
“You’ve always been a good friend to me,” I say when at last he drops my hand. “I have treasured our time together. And I know that if I were to choose you, I would be…” Not quite happy. Content, perhaps. For a time. “It would be a smart match. I know you would be kind and fun always. And I’m more than tempted because of all the things you can offer me that he can’t.”
His face falls. “But.”
Oh, but this hurts. What am I doing? It’s not in me to be kind.Especially not to men. But it’s so unfair to him to treat him this way. To give him hope.
“But,” I intone, “I’ve already promised myself in courtship to him. It’s not fair to you to pretend that my intentions might be changed.” There’s no need to clarify whohimis, and it seems wrong to say another man’s name aloud when Leandros is professing his love.
“He will never love you,” Leandros says. His tone isn’t unkind, only explanatory. “He will never marry you or touch you or be with you in all the ways you deserve. What do you plan? To forever live a half-life with him?”
I am shocked by the sudden realization that I would rather have this life. This life of Kallias’s trust and friendship, of helping him to rule a kingdom without having any real power, just a king’s ear—I would rather have all of that than another fling with a man who will just give me jewels because he likes the things I do to him in bed.
Of course, it wouldn’t be like that with Leandros. He would care for me more than that, but I can’t do that to him. Not when he has always been so kind to me.
“It is my life to do with what I will,” I say. “And I’ve told you my decision.”
Leandros nods to himself. “Do you love him?”
Of course not, I think. I do not do such childish things as fall in love. Love made me into a murderess. It broke me for a time. I had to build myself back up.
But there is certainlysomethingbrewing between the king and me.
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
And either that is answer enough, or Leandros sees the truth of it on his own, because he bows low, gentlemanly.
“Excuse me,” he says.
And he’s gone.
I wrap my arms around myself, saddened by the exchange.
But as I turn back toward my room, thinking to lie down for a bit in misery, I see the barest wisp of a shadow disappearing through the wall housing Kallias’s rooms. It’s so slight, I think perhaps I might have imagined it.
But if not, I can’t decide if it’s a good or bad thing for Kallias to have heard all of that.
CHAPTER
23
I debate whether to show up for dinner in the library.
On the one hand, I haven’t spoken with Kallias all day. There is much we should discuss, including his safety measures and what happened at the club.
But then I know he will ask me why I’ve opted to avoid him all day. And gods forbid he overheard my conversation with Leandros and brings it up.
In the end, I decide I want to see him, and that is enough to put up with all the rest.
I expect to find him at the table, already starting on his supper. Instead, he’s seated at an armchair before the fire, stroking Demodocus on the top of the head with one hand and sipping wine from a cup held in the other.
Upon hearing my entrance, he says, “I can’t decide if those who wish me dead are unable to get through my new guards stationed around the clock, or if they’re simply biding their time, waiting for me to grow comfortable before striking.”
“The former, I hope,” I say, taking the other armchair pointed toward the low fire.
