Page 97 of Mistaken
“So, are you going to tell me what happened?” Tania reaches out to squeeze my hand.
“I was… I don’t know, I was weak, I guess. Everything hurt so much. Realizing what my own brother wanted to do to me made me realize that in the end, you are the only person I have, Tan. You’re my most important person and because of me, you’re always in danger. I…” taking another gulp of wine I plowed ahead, “I felt so weak and needy. I asked Maksim to make love to me. Like, pretend that he really did love me.” I stomped down another urge to cry.
“So…?” Tania prodded me.
“He did,” now I couldn’t stop the tears. “It was beautiful. And he told me he loved me, he said that he was sorry he couldn’t save me before I was hurt. I realized that I love this man. Never mind the most terrible ‘meet cute’ in history and everything that followed. I love him.”
“Then why are you here?” Tania screeched, “You got it all!”
“No. No, I don’t. I know what itfeelslike to be loved, and it was beautiful. It was perfect, and…” I took a deep breath, “it wasn’t real. It will kill me to stay with him, loving him and knowing he will never love me.”
She refilled our glasses and we drank silently for a while.
Tania fixed me with her sternest gaze. “So, here’s my moment of wisdom, are you ready?”
“Yeah, okay,” I sniffled.
“There’s this thing guys do. When they finally love someone and they’re not selfish bastards anymore, they get allaltruistic.”She spat the word like it was a gnat that flew into her mouth. “Men like Maksim may have been completely terrible people, but love makes them noble,” Tania sneered. “And men when they’re being noble are just so stupid. They start thinking the best thing they can do for the woman they love is to send them away because that man is no good for them. Ugh!”
She gulped down some more wine. “So, they will be miserable as shit and the woman they love will be miserable as shit, all because the manlovesthis poor woman and he’s beingnoble.”She sighed irritably, “Men are so fucking stupid I swear to god. Look, Els; it’s obvious Maksim loves you. And not just because you are so damn loveable - which you are - but for some reason, you cracked that icy Slavic heart wide open.”
No,I thought,that can’t be right. He just said it that night because I asked him to. Not because he meant it.
I’m shaking my head when Tania grabs my hand again. “Honey, think about it. What other possible reason could he have to let you go?”
“Because-” I floundered, “because he felt guilty.”
She rolls her eyes and I can see now why it irritates Maksim so much when I do that. “The only reason that frigid, black-hearted ruff- what’s the word?”
“Ruffian,” I said automatically, “a brutal, cold-hearted villain.”
“Right! This brutal, cold-hearted ruffian would only feel guilty if he loved you. Think about it, Ella!”
I’m shaking my head. She doesn’t know. There’s no way Maksim loves me. Thinking of his tenderness that night makes it all hurt worse.
“Honey, you have to hear this. Maksim is only letting you go because he loves you and he knows it’s the right thing to do. You’re leaving because you love him and it hurts too much to stay. So, you dumb shits will both suffer and it’s for all the wrong reasons! Talk to him. Be honest with him. Make him be honest with you. Oh my god, I sound like one of those creepy advice columnists!”
At least that’s good for a laugh and we settle down, finishing the bottle out on the deck and watching the rich and famous swan up and down Madison Avenue.
Valentine’s Day…
“Please, Tania,” I groan, “the last thing I want to do is go out tonight. You have to be kidding me.”
“It’s not like I’m asking to go clubbing and pick up a guy-”
“Yeah, because we know how that turned out,” I interrupt.
“-I’m just asking you to take a shower, put on a nice dress and we’ll go have dinner at that cool pop-up restaurant Noma’s hosting in the warehouse district,” she continues after pretending I didn’t speak. I’m burying my face in my hands because the last thing I could ever want is to leave this apartment. I haven’t gone out since I moved here. I spent most of my time crying and waiting for word from Yuri telling me that my new identity and relocation were ready to go.
“Babe, c’mon,” Tania pleaded. “I don’t get much more time with you. Please come and make a couple of good memories with me, okay?”
Damn her. She knows I can’t turn her down. “All right.”
“Excellent!” Tania’s her usual happy self again. “And make sure you take a shower and at least attempt to look good, okay? Put in some effort.”
“Thanks, bestie.” My tone might have been a bit chilly.
“I’m just saying…” she was unrepentant, “when’s the last time you bathed?”
