Page 24 of Shattered Saint
Hell, maybe that would have made things easier in the long run. But I would never know the answer to that.
“I’m such an asshole,” I said to myself. It felt like there was no way out of this, and while keeping quiet was a temporary solution, there was still a chance for the truth to be unearthed.
Without a doubt, I should have never made that promise to Nash. Or, since I had, I should have listened to my subconscious that warned me to walk away when I had the chance.
But I couldn’t resist the urge to touch every inch of her.
And that’s what had gotten me into trouble.
In an effort to quiet my brain, I rolled onto my side and closed my eyes. Once again, it was to no avail. I couldn't escape the memory of my night with Bianca. The way her body felt against mine. The way she looked when she came.
I would never experience that again, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it now.
I rolled onto my back because it was more enticing than lying on my side. She was all I could think about as I stared at my ceiling. I allowed the pain that I felt to continue to eat away at me. It had been almost a day since Bianca and I last spoke, but it felt as if the moment had happened only minutes ago.
“Maybe telling her the truth would have been the smarter option,” I thought out loud, and let the idea sit out there, unchallenged. Taking back what I said was an option, but there was a chance that she still wouldn’t want to talk to or see me ever again.
I ran a hand through my hair and shook my head. Telling her the truth now was pointless and would only cause another opportunity for Nash to be suspicious about why I would want to see his sister alone so we could chat.
No, staying away from her was the best idea.
In the end, she would realize this was the best choice for both of us and our futures. It was the way things needed to be done. The way they needed to be.
At least that was what I told myself.
I rubbed my hands along my face to relieve the tension. The only way to get over this was to forget about it and her, no matter how hard it would be. Though we’d have to see each other eventually, and I was sure neither one of us was looking forward to that.
After deciding that staring at my ceiling wasn't a good use of my time,I snatched the covers off my body and stood up. The clock on my nightstand told me that it was 6:45 a.m., way too fucking early to be awake, but here I was.
My bare feet briefly felt cool on the wooden floor as I left my bedroom to go into the kitchen. My parents wouldn’t have Nash outdo me by having an apartment off campus, so I did as well. Something that I couldn’t explain coursed through me, and before I could stop myself, I slammed a fist against the wall.
“Fuck,” I said as I winced through the pain. I’d hoped that hitting the wall would help me feel something other than guilt, but it only lasted for a split-second.
I walked into my kitchen and grabbed a glass to pour some water into. Dehydration wouldn’t help my efforts to fall asleep either. As I drank from my mug, my eyes landed on the small balcony that I hadn’t had the opportunity to use since I moved into my place.
Some fresh air could do the trick and make it easier for me to fall asleep. I took my cup to the glass sliding doors and opened them. I was greeted by a cool breeze that made me regret not putting more clothes on before I stepped out onto the balcony.
The air felt refreshing and, for a moment, everything was right in the world.
I sipped my water as I gazed out at Brentson as the city began to wake up. I couldn’t help but wonder if Bianca had easily fallen asleep tonight or if she was up watching the sunrise, having not caught a wink of sleep either.
The fresh air’s effect on me didn’t last long. I still didn’t feel better. The lies that I told were hurtful, and that was on purpose. If she hated me, then maybe it would make it easier for her to get over all of this.
I went back and forth, thinking about whether I would take back our time together if given the opportunity. Although my response should be that I would in order to make the outcome between Bianca and me better, I couldn't. I enjoyed her trusting me enough to give me the opportunity to worship the fuck out of her body while I had the chance.
Watching her fall apart in my arms was like nothing I'd ever experienced before, and with everything in me, I wanted to relive the experience.
But that was off the table and in the depths of hell at this point.
“Easton, get your shit together,” I muttered to myself before I took another drink from my mug. I felt guilty about taking her virginity because I didn't deserve to be her first. She'd entrusted something to me that she shouldn't have.She deserved so much more than the twisted fuck up I was. Because there were so many things that she didn’t know about me.
I should have walked away from this entire situation when I had the chance. With a heavy sigh, I took my now empty mug and strolled back into my apartment, closing myself off to the outside world once more.
I put the mug into the sink because I’d decided that I had no intention of cleaning it until I tried to sleep again. Thankfully, I was feeling somewhat tired now, so the water and standing outside had done the trick. When I walked back into my bedroom, I made sure that my blackout curtains were completely closed and I turned off my phone, hoping to prevent waking up anytime soon.
Once I was back in bed, even though I tried to avoid it, my thoughts were still on Bianca. I made a promise to myself that I would only allow thoughts of her until I woke up. After that, I would lock the memories of her into the deepest corner of my mind and throw away the key.
I made another promise to myself that I would stay the hell away from her.
