Page 86 of A Lifetime of Afters
The line of mourners stretched out the door and along the hall. I hated them and loved them in equal measure. They loved her. Were devastated by her loss. And all of them were secretly relieved the tragedy didn’t befall their family.
Why did they get to live while she, who loved so well and appreciated every moment, had to die?
Then I spotted Hawk and Diane in the line. I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I would not shake that woman’s hand. I would not look into his eyes for fear that he may see what would forever lie behind mine.
By the time I came back out, they had moved to the back of the room.
It was a small enough mercy.
When everyone finally left, I stole back inside the room. I sat in front of her casket, knowing she wasn’t in there but hanging onto the final physical thread that held her to the earth.
My breath rattled in and out as I splayed my fingers across the wood. My heavy hair fell forward, sticking to the tears on my face. With a strangled cry, I ripped it back, holding it on top of my head before returning one hand to the casket.
A large hand covered mine, one I’d know anywhere.
He didn’t speak. Neither did I. But I took the comfort he offered me.
Pulling a ribbon off the champagne roses that covered her casket, he moved behind me. Slowly, methodically, he gathered my hair back from my face, his palms smoothing over my temples, up the back of my neck, and behind my ears, until he held it all in his fist in a low ponytail. Wrapping the ribbon around and around, he secured it in place.
Stepping closer, he barely rested his palms on my shoulders and dropped his mouth to my hair. “I’m sorry, Noelle…”
I bowed my head.
And he left.
The next, and last, time I saw him was a few weeks later at what Harley christened The Great Gnome Slaughter of Sage Ridge. Did he think about that as much as I did? He comforted me then, too.
Needing a distraction from the painful memories, I opened the app on my phone. April had sent me a gift on the Pokemon app.
Was she enjoying her boys? Did she start her course? I sent her a gift on the app, knowing she’d get a kick out of it.
You are infinite. Your ability to give and receive love is infinite.
Deep inside, I knew it to be true. Even those I’d lost were still here. Our love, a celestial ribbon linking our hearts for all eternity. Everywhere I looked, I sensed their magic.
The magic that was love.
Connection.
Joy.
The ribbon served to remind me of one of the saddest days of my life. Did I still need it now that I felt and saw her everywhere? When the love she gave still lived in my heart?
Did I need it to remind me of Hawk’s tenderness on that day? A tenderness he’d expressed over and over? He’d given me far happier memories since he gave me that ribbon.
That ribbon reminded me that to love was to lose.
And it was true.
But I would not fear it, because where love took root, you could never truly lose it.
I wanted to love the way she did. With abandon. Even knowing the pain that waited on the flipside.
I wanted to love him like that. As if I would lose him.
You are magic.
You are love.
