Page 84 of A Lifetime of Afters
He lurched forward and grabbed me, pulling me onto his lap where I curled into a protective ball. “No, baby. Not like that. I’ll be back. I just need to say goodbye to him. And I need to tell my family what I told you. And I need to do it in my own way.” He ran his hand down my side and pressed his mouth to the top of my head. “I’ll be back. I love you. I’ll be back.”
“When are you leaving?”
He paused.
“Now.”
Chapter Thirty-one - Infinite
One week ago, I would not have guessed I’d be standing outside my door in the cold.
Alone.
I tucked my ribbon into my jeans pocket, studiously ignoring the shrinking size of the waistband. Still in shock that Hawkley left so abruptly after pouring his heart out.
Was he scared like me? Would he cut and run? Avoid the risk? Evade the pain?
He’s coming back.
Is he? What if one of his revelations tells him I’m not for him?
Perhaps he’s been hanging onto me because he’s been living in the past all these years?
The thoughts were crowding in, and I needed to clear them. Wrapping my scarf tighter around my face, I opened my Pokemon app to track my steps and took off for Carousel Island. What was supposed to be a day spent celebrating Hunter with Hawk turned into a day without either of them.
I couldn’t shake the suspicion I would somehow be disposable at the end of it all.
How much could ‘I love you’ mean if the outcome was the same?
The old habit of pulling up and heading out tempted me. It didn’t make sense. What would I gain by leaving?
I trudged along, the icy, snow-laden trail enforcing my slow pace. The trail joined the boardwalk around Silver Lake, then circled the bluffs, and continued along the edge of Crystal Beach to the footbridge. The roar of the wind blocked everything out, and I could hear myself think.
It was simple, really. The payoff was an escape from the blistering uncertainty of not knowing when the rug would be pulled out from under me.
Of the four romantic relationships I’d had since I left home, Barrett came the closest to breaking down my resistance. For all his fierce looks, he was a gentle giant and he’d treated me with care. Showed me what I deserved from a man.
Healed what the others broke.
And yet, it didn’t come close to the tenderness with which Hawk handled me.
When he was there.
Was that what we were to be? A cycle of having him for a time only to lose him again?
I reached the footbridge and crossed over. The park was lonely. Anyone with a functioning brain cell was cuddled up on their couch with a blanket on a day like this. The temperature had risen to above freezing overnight, but it brought a dampness that penetrated every layer meant to keep me warm.
Circling the carousel, I found the pony I rode when Hawk and I snuck in with Hunter’s keys. Instead of swinging my leg over, I went in search of a different pony. It took me fifteen minutes to find it. Bending low, I peered at the inside of the back leg. Reaching out, I traced the letters we carved into it a million years ago.
I huffed out a laugh. We were kind of bad, but we never meant anybody any harm.
“Hunter, I miss you,” I whispered. Wrapping my hand around the leg, I leaned my forehead against the pony’s frozen side and cried for the boy I loved. The friend I lost. The brilliant man and all the light that his death extinguished.
“You’re always here, though.” I stroked the pony’s side.
What would Old Man Gillie think if he saw our little act of vandalism? He’d always been kind to us and had an especially soft spot for Hunter.
Lou brought Hunter to ride the carousel every day when he was small. If she didn’t, he screamed the house down.
