Page 75 of A Lifetime of Afters
His back bowed and his forehead pressed to mine. Gentle puffs of air caressed my face as he panted out his release before wrapping his arms around me.
“My girl,” he breathed into my neck.
Rolling to his back, he dragged me up his chest.
I tried to lift my head. To question. To reassure.
“Shh. Don’t speak.” His hands tight in my hair, he pressed my head to his heart and quickly fell back to sleep.
Not once opening his eyes.
I blinked away the beauty and confusion of the night before.
I shifted, preparing to gently transfer Bruce to the floor. Sensing my movement, he beat me to it, digging his pointy feet into my chest as he launched off my chest. I massaged my poor boobs as I walked out to my living room to look for Hawk.
A post-it on the door drew my attention.
OUT FOR A WALK. BE BACK IN A FEW HOURS. HAWK. XX
I turned the sticky square around and around. Who takes hours long walks in this temperature?
Just before lunch, I heard his key turn in the lock.
“Hawk? You okay?”
He darted a glance at my face and nodded slowly, his face ruddy from the cold. “I’m okay.”
“You’re not quite yourself,” I ventured.
Hanging his coat on the hook, he turned and pulled me into his arms. “No.”
Hearing his honest answer coupled with him nestling me into his arms soothed the worry that had grown over the course of the morning. “Want to talk about it?”
He sighed. “I don’t know what to call it. It’s not depression, exactly. More like dread. As if the knowledge that he’s gone creeps up on me and the loss feels brand new again.”
“That sounds awful. How often does it happen?”
“A few times a year.” Turning his head to the side, he lay his cheek against the top of my head.
“The walking helps?”
“It does. It gives me time to push it back. Sometimes I just need a bit of time and space to push it back.”
“What can I do for you?” Would he be like this tomorrow? Did he need counseling? Was this PTSD? Survivor’s guilt? No, that didn’t make sense.
His deep chuckle roused me from my thoughts. “Your brain is overheating. I’m okay now. I promise. What do you want to do today? We’ve got the whole day.”
“Do you want to be bad?”
Squeezing me tighter, he swayed back and forth. “Weren’t we bad enough last night? And the night before? You’re going to wear me out,” he teased lightly.
“Not that kind of bad, old man,” I laughed. “Want to take a walk on the wild side?”
He leaned back to look at me, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “The wild side, hm?”
“Yeah.” I smiled impishly. “We’ll take the snowmobiles downtown to Mary Lou’s and stock up on candies. All our old favorites. Then we’ll ride down to Krippy’s Chippy and pick up fish and chips to bring home. We can watch a movie, eat our num nums. And then, if you can stay awake, we can try to sneak onto Carousel Island!”
His eyebrows shot up. “Sneak onto Carousel Island? To ride the ponies? How are we going to do that?”
