Page 63 of A Lifetime of Afters
His deep chuckle sounded behind me. “Noelle, what the hell are you doing?”
My chair jerked as he flopped onto the bottom and yanked my legs up, draping them over one of his.
“Oh,” I gasped. It had been a long time since I’d touched him. Every point of contact between us tingled with awareness.
His hand, still wrapped around my ankle, seemed to flex and release as he stared down at it. Transfixed.
Hope swelled in my chest as the moment dragged on.
“Hawk,” I whispered. “Do you think…”
His head whipped up to face me, his expression intense, almost angry. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” My voice trembled.
“Don’t go there. It’s not in the cards for us.”
I’d come that far, I didn’t want to leave without being sure to shoot my shot. “But I think…”
Standing, he gently placed my legs on the lounge chair. With both hands wrapped around my ankles, he gave me a gentle squeeze. “I’m sorry, Noelle,” he muttered. Then without looking at me, he walked away.
A lump the size of a golf ball lodged in my throat as I sat and stared at the stillness of the water.
I could feel it even now. At twenty-four, I was no teenage girl in the throes of her first crush, I’d loved him silently for years at that point. His outright rejection was not a case of simple humiliation.
It crushed me.
Then Hunter passed.
Hawk brought Diane home.
My mom got sick.
The walls of the town closed in and, as soon as I could, I left.
After that I visited, taking care to avoid Hawk and Diane, but I couldn’t move home.
For nearly a decade I flitted from town to town and man to man. Never giving either more than my bare minimum.
Except for Barrett. And in the end, I screwed that up as well by holding too much of myself back. Unwilling to lose anything else.
April’s words came back to me.‘I hate to see you alone. You’re far too beautiful, inside and out.’
Maybe I was simply destined to be alone. Twirling the ends of my hair around my finger, I contemplated the possibility. It wasn’t what I wanted. Growing up with the examples set forth by my parents and Hawk’s, I knew love could be beautiful.
And I wanted it. I’d always wanted it, but those losses so close together sent my poor heart into hiding. Now I was ready to give all of me, and Hawk didn’t want anything to do with me.
Don’t go there.
I’m sorry, Noelle.
We. Are. Done.
Standing, I snatched my coat, hat, and scarf off the hook. It was far too cold for a walk, but I needed to escape. I opened my Pokemon Go app to clock my steps and hatch my eggs.
Staring down at the small screen, I opened my office door and crashed into a wall. A wall that smelled like sin. A wall that exclaimed, ‘Oof’.
“Mothertrucker!” I exclaimed, bouncing off. I looked up. “Daire? What are you doing back here?”
