Page 46 of A Lifetime of Afters
Hawk looked at me in surprise.
“Hawk, he loved women. Plural. Many women. We were friends, remember. He shared about his conquests with me. He often asked me about guys I dated and never showed an ounce of jealousy. If he wanted me for himself, he would have said.”
A pained look crossed his face.
I latched onto his arm and gave him a little shake. “He never said. Not once. Not a single sign that he felt anything other than sisterly affection. If anything,” I mused, “he probably had an idea that it would be great to settle down and take over the resort.” I laughed. “He probably decided I’d make a great partner. I don’t believe he harbored some great, unrequited love for me. Not one bit.”
“Would you have gone out with him?”
“No.”
“How can you be sure?”
Should I tell him? Would he freak out if I used the L-word?
“Because I wanted you,” I compromised and gave him half of the truth. “I told you even then. Hunter was not on my romantic radar. Even if you didn’t exist, the way he went through women? I wouldn’t have taken him seriously enough to find out if there could have been anything between us.” I sighed, more than ready to put the Hunter issue behind us and move forward. “It would never have happened. Never.”
He took in my words, his eyes begging for absolution. For a sin that didn’t exist.
“What do I need to give you? What do I need to say so you can free yourself from this?”
His arm shot out and he yanked me into his chest, his other hand cupping the back of my head. “Noelle… so sweet. I knew you would be, but even with what I thought I knew,” he swallowed hard, “if I’d known the truth of you, I never would have been able to stay away.”
Wrapping my arms around his back, I held him as tightly as I could through the layers of coats and sweaters. I uttered more truth into his chest. Voiceless truth.
I love you.I pressed my nose into his coat, his scent, my lips moving soundlessly.
I love you.The strength of his chest under my cheek.
I have always loved you.I breathed him in, my hands fisted in his coat, aching to say it aloud.
Aching to tell the world. Yearning for him even as I held him in my arms. Held him in my heart. Because I didn’t have all of him.
And I worried he wasn’t holding quite so tightly onto me.
This, the only shadow over the past few weeks, his continued insistence on secrecy.
He squeezed my hip, bringing me back into the present. “Are you okay?”
“I’m scared.”
He jerked at my admission and pulled back to stare down into my face. “Scared? Why?”
“In every relationship I’ve ever had, I’ve always held part of myself back. With you, you’re so interwoven into my life and heart and mind, I couldn’t even if I tried.”
“And that scares you,” he stated, his arms circling around my back.
I tipped my chin back to see his face. “You could break my heart.”
His stormy eyes looked into mine. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
Then, retreating behind his closed lids, he gathered me into his arms and pressed kisses to the side of my face.
I arched against him, aching for words that didn’t come.
It wasn’t until the next morning that he offered me something to hold onto.
Setting my coffee down on the table, he swung into the chair next to mine, folded his arms on the table, and stared at me.
