Page 1 of A Lifetime of Afters
Chapter One - Goodbye
Camouflage eyes that reflected every color of the forest but hid his every thought locked steadily onto mine.
So.
This was it.
The sounds of the park that kept me company while I waited for him, the dogs barking, children squealing, parents and grandparents calling out encouragement interspersed with sharp warnings to be careful, receded into the background as I stared back at him.
Only yesterday I’d entertained the thought of bringing him home to meet my family.
No longer able to bear the weight of his scrutiny, I dropped my chin to focus on the rough wooden boards of the picnic table spanning the growing distance between us.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his big body momentarily shift toward me only to retreat abruptly. I watched as he stuffed his hands into his pockets. Hands that only yesterday would have reached out to hold me.
My heart recoiled as the sharp barb of loss pierced me. I sucked in a deep breath and pushed the pain back out. I didn’t blame him. I couldn’t. He didn’t mean any more to me than I meant to him.
But I’d hoped we could be more.
“I understand,” I uttered through wooden lips. “That special something that we should feel in our guts just isn’t there.”
Was that true?
The tension in his wide shoulders eased as his rumbly voice extended an olive branch. “We’ll part as friends.”
Pain twisted my guts, and my lips pressed together into a thin line. He was more than a friend. He was my companion. My lover. Myfriend. He was hope.
But he was not mine. He was never mine just as I was never his.
If you had given yourself to him, it could have been different.
I knew that, but I didn’t think I was capable of giving myself to anyone.
Tears of disappointment prickled behind my eyes. I blinked them back quickly and offered him a small smile. “No, it’s too late for that, but we don’t part as enemies,” I promised. “I’ll remember you as the one who healed what was broken. And showed me how high to raise the bar.”
For a moment I stared off into the trees as if they held the answers.Why was I never the one? And, why, oh why, did it always come back to HIM?
The wind picked up and tossed my long hair around as if it knew I needed to shake off those thoughts.
Turning back to Barrett, I took him in one last time, his severe features dear to me though perhaps not loved. Even so, my fingers ached to touch him one last time.
A goodbye.
I stood and circled the end of the table. With my palms cradling his wild beard, I pressed my dry lips to his immobile ones briefly before releasing him and stepping away.
“Good luck, Barrett. I sincerely hope you get what you deserve,” I whispered, the only sound that could make it past the lump lodged in my throat.
The groove in his forehead deepened, and I could not help but laugh. “Don’t think too hard, I’ll rephrase. I hope you feel it in your gut next time and that she feels the same. I wish you every happiness.” I paused to read his face. “Better?”
“Thank you.” He gave me a rare grin. “You deserve nothing less. I hope you don’t settle next time.”
I felt my lips melt into the smile time spent with him never failed to elicit. “I have no regrets. You were exactly what I needed.”
Walking away, the sounds of the park reentered my consciousness. Sundays at the park were always busy. I should have known something was up when he asked me to meet him here rather than our usual routine.
One fat, hot, tear stung my cheek. The only one I would allow.
As my long legs ate up the distance, carrying me away from him and bringing me steadily closer to my townhome, I did not look back.
