Page 54 of A Lifetime of Afters
Keep it together.
My brain replayed the events of the last few minutes, the last few hours, the last few weeks, and further back to the day at the pool before returning to Hawk’s furious face.
“We are done.”
The air thinned. I gasped for breath.
“You’re okay, Noelle,” my dad murmured, rubbing my back.
“Oh, God…” I looked around for an anchor, something to hold my attention, but the world swam in front of me.
“Breathe, honey,” he urged.
A gentle hand stroked my hair, Lou’s voice sounding behind me. “Let it out, darling girl.”
It? I shook my head. Twisted my hands in my dad’s sweater. I was no longer sure where I ended, and ‘it’ began.
I swallowed my sobs, but they shot right back up, breaking from my lips in strangled cries, seizing hold of my lungs in their quest to escape.
If I let it out, I’d never be the same. That tight control kept me from the abyss. If I let go, my grief would consume me.
Lou’s gentle hands cupped my shoulders, ran down my arms, and unfurled my fists before taking me from my father.
I caught sight of his beloved face ravaged by a renewal of his own grief as Dan’s arms came around him.
Lou turned me into her motherly arms and nestled me against her softness. Reminding me of what I had.
What I lost.
My neck arched back, fighting for room to rein it in, swallow it down, push it away, but it had grown to be bigger than I was and would not be contained.
The sounds that escaped my body frightened me, but Lou held firm. “It’s a long, long time coming, darling. Let it out.”
My heart in my hands.
Don’t go there.
A knock at the door.
It’s your son.
A telephone call.
Mom is sick.
We need to talk.
I’ve met someone.
Hawk.
We are done.
Three little words.
A handful of syllables.
A lifetime of afters.
