Page 48 of Shootout
“I want you.”
“You had me last night.”
“I’m a greedy bastard. I want more. Preferably somewhere comfortable that doesn’t involve an ice rink and the cold steel of a machine.”
“Banks. We shouldn’t be doing this. Having sex muddies the waters.”
“My waters aren’t muddy. I know exactly what I’m doing. I’m attracted to you, and I want you.”
“It’s not that I don’t want you, but my heart hasn’t fully healed. Last night was a mistake. I’m not ready to jump into a physical relationship, especially one that we’ve established is only physical.” The words tumbled out, even while I wasn’t sure I meant them. I wanted sex with Banks again. Part of me wanted him to fight for us, show me that I meant more than just a roll in the hay or on the Zamboni.
“I don’t understand.”
“Banks, I like you. I’m attracted to you, but until I straighten out my head, I can’t do this again. For you, it’s fun and good times. Sex, for me, is given as a gift to someone who’s special to me, and I’m special to him. Not just the next conquest.”
He sat back as if I’d slapped him. That’d come out wrong, but at least I’d gotten my point across. He let go of my hand and chewed on a piece of bread.
I rushed to smooth things over. “I’m not saying I won’t change my mind down the road when I have a better idea of the direction I’m going, but right now, I have to do what’s right for me, even if it’s not what I want. Someday I might be ready for casual sex. But I’m not in that place right now. Last night was a big mistake.”
He nodded, but by the set of his jaw, he didn’t like my answer. I didn’t like it either.
ChapterSeventeen
ROAD TRIP
~~Banks~~
The next few weeks were a whirlwind of activity for the team, and I didn’t get to see Jessie alone once. I was pretty sure she orchestrated our time together to be among friends and teammates. I was frustrated and torn because I didn’t really have the right to be frustrated. Or did I?
After all, I hadn’t been the one who created this mess, but I’d certainly gone along with it and perpetuated the story among my teammates. Conflict rolled within me about Jessie and how I felt about her. We were friends, somewhat, but we were more than that. I couldn’t label what exactly we were to each other, and I liked my labels. Emotions could be labeled and put in their appropriate box, neat and tidy, nothing messy. Only what Jessie and I had defied categorization, even if she was in denial.
Then there was that damn sex on a Zamboni. Like I wouldn’t see those things every single day and be reminded of what she’d felt like on my lap and how right and heavenly I’d felt inside her. She’d called it a mistake. I didn’t feel that it was a mistake, and it hurt to think she did. In fact, it hurt way more than I’d ever imagined, like a knife stuck in my chest, aching with my every move and pushing deeper every time I thought of her.
I tortured myself constantly with memories of our short time together to the point where I welcomed being on the ice. That was the only time I turned off my brain and concentrated on my life beyond Jessie.
The second week in October, we started the regular season with a five-game road trip. In the past, I’d enjoyed road trips, partying, random hookups and teammate bonding. This time was different. I was on a quest to show my teammates I was committed to the Sockeyes and serious about my game.
I was frustrated about the lack of alone time with Jessie, and I forced myself to concentrate on hockey and familiarizing myself with my linemates and other team members. During the second game of our road trip, our first-line center, Rush, blew out his knee. He’d likely miss the entire season.
Axel moved up to the first line, and the three of us worked on gelling as a unit. We’d never played together for any appreciable amount of time and were struggling to learn the nuances of our individual strengths, weaknesses, and tendencies.
Among my rookie roommates, Yuri won a place on the team. Levi would’ve been sent down, but with Rush’s injury, he’d also have a spot. Felix would play on the farm team.
I couldn’t wait to get into my new condo and away from these clowns. Unfortunately, there were a few setbacks, and the condo wouldn’t be available until mid-November.
Two more weeks of hell with these kids, and I’d be a free man. I’d also be living in the same building as both Jessie and her brother. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
I wasn’t letting Jessie avoid me completely. Besides hanging out in public, I called her every night on our road trip, just as any not-so-fake boyfriend would do. Our conversations stuck to strictly hockey, even though I unsuccessfully baited her a few times with sex talk. She wouldn’t take the bait. She wasn’t going there.
Damn.
Jessie was settling in with her students. The fall leagues had started, and she’d been assigned to coach an elite coed team with Jonas. She didn’t say much about how things were going, but I heard the stress in her voice and was pretty sure he was making things hard for her. Wild had commented about Jonas being an ass, and I’d pretended to know what he was talking about, but it rankled that she hadn’t trusted me enough to pour out her problems.
As I understood it, classes were scheduled in blocks, and a new block of lessons had started recently. Jessie’s schedule had changed, and she no longer coached the elite girls in the evening. Jessie had told me that she tried not to take this change personally, but it was hard not to. Pete had been apologetic and spewed some nonsense about having to make tough scheduling choices based on his staff’s talent and strengths.
Puck bunnies followed me everywhere, propositioned me before and after games, and attempted to hang on me in bars. I briefly entertained taking a few to bed behind Wild’s back just to satisfy this burning need inside. Yet when it came down to actually following through, I wasn’t interested. I didn’t want a random. I wanted Jessie.
I’d never been that guy who only wanted one woman. I’d craved variety and freedom.
