Page 2 of Anger Bang
Sorta.
Not really at all, but she was a reed, damn it, and this too would pass her like the wind. Plus, the opportunity to participate in the dig of a newly discovered deinonychus was beyond exciting. According to the museum gossip, the dinosaur wasn’t just one full skeleton of the predatory, big-clawed feathered theropod, butthree! This had led the local press to call it a velociraptor find, since the deinonychus was the inspiration for the pack-minded dinosaurs that wereJurassic Parkfan favorites. Finding a complete skeleton was amazing, but uncovering three? Yeah, even homebody, never-asks-for-anything Thea would do whatever it took to witness this discovery.
So when the reality TV production team said they’d pay for her plane ticket out to Wyoming, she was able to sweeten her proposal to her higher-ups at the museum by explaining that, in exchange for letting her take a paid leave of absence to participate in the dig for two weeks after the wedding, they wouldn’t have to cover any of her travel costs. It was the fastest—and only—dig approval she’d ever gotten.
She wasn’t going to waste time being annoyed about the wedding or the fact that she’d have to be on camera again, at least the tiny amount that she planned to be. This was silver lining time, and she was going to get to spend time with the type of Late Cretaceous–period creature that first inspired John Ostrom to theorize that birds evolved from dinosaurs.
Life as a paleontologist didn’t get better than that.
“Uh-huh,” Dr. Kowecki said, sounding anything but in agreement and taking Thea out of her dino happy place. “And remind me again what the wedding is going to be like?”
Bile did a little swish-swish thing in Thea’s stomach, a pool of dread with its own waves triggered not by the moon but by anything to do with her sister’s reality TV wedding.
“It’s themed,” Thea said, starting with the details that were just ridiculous rather than panic-inducing. “The producers thought a retro eighties theme would be over-the-top enough for ratings and to get memeified for free publicity.” Her stomach did the kind of loop-de-loop that she’d always thought only rollercoasters did. “The whole thing will be streaming practically live,Big Brotherstyle.”
“And you’re excited about that?”
Thea straightened her shoulders and took a deep breath. “No, but my mom pointed out how important it was for my sister that I be there, so I can suck it up for seven days.” She could. She would. She’d done it before, so it wasn’t a big deal. “Anyway, it’s not like the cameras will be focused on me when there are two celebrities at the altar.”
Jackie had met Dex on set years ago in a dramedy set in a high school where all of the teenagers were played by actors in their late twenties. They’d dated, broken up, and reconnected a few months ago when they both got cast in the same show. Their shared agent had played matchmaker, and everything had evolved superfast after that until here Thea was, about to get on a plane out to Cody, Wyoming, for a weeklong destination wedding at someplace her sister must have messed up the name of in her texts. There was no way a place called Stinkingwater River existed in real life.
“You don’t even hear yourself, do you?” Dr. Kowecki asked not unsympathetically.
Thea blinked in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“Every boundary crossing, every conflict, you just go fawn.” The therapist put her glasses back on and locked her intense gaze on Thea. “Most people know the fight-or-flight trauma responses, but there are more. There is freeze, which is self-explanatory and why people find they have extreme difficulty making decisions and, therefore, isolate themselves.”
She shook her head and sighed again, and Thea couldn’t help it—her pulse ratcheted up to a billion. Whatever the heck fawn was, Dr. Kowecki clearly thought it was the worst of the lot.
As if confirming Thea’s worst fears, her therapist continued, “Then there is fawn. Those are the people pleasers who have trouble setting boundaries and may lack a strong sense of identity. It’s easier to go along—say, be on camera when just talking about it makes you start sweating like you just walked into a sauna wearing a full-length fur coat—than to deal with the problem at hand.” Dr. Kowecki shot her an encouraging smile. “There is no right or wrong trauma response, and we experience them because we are wired by nature and nurture to do that. However, by acknowledging and being aware of your go-to trauma response, you can learn to better manage your stress levels and the triggers. In fact, I have an exercise I’d like you to try during your sister’s wedding to better deal with stress and regain a sense of control over your life.”
That sounded about as much fun as a destination wedding.
Thea opened her mouth to explain that she was fine and didn’t need to do anything, but the look of don’t-even-think-about-it on her therapist’s face stopped the words before they could get out.
“When you experience a triggering event at the wedding,” Dr. Kowecki said, “take a moment to realize what’s happening to your body and then decide if another response—fight, flight, or freeze—may be better than a fawn response to get you what you need. This isn’t about changing your body’s response, but itisabout learning the tools that will help you deal with conflict better.”
Even the idea of it made Thea’s palms clammy. “But everything’s fine as it is.”
It was a statement that would have sounded more convincing if Thea had managed to say it without sounding like she was apologizing.
Both of Dr. Kowecki’s eyebrows went high enough to disappear under her short bangs. “But is it?” She paused for a second to let the question sink in. “Really?”
No. Not even close.
Sure, she’d never said the words out loud before, but would she have agreed to Nola’s plan for their friend trio to all go to a therapist if she didn’t subconsciously at least realize that her life was very much not fine?
The fact that just seeing her mom’s name pop up on caller ID lately automatically had her reaching for a paper bag to hyperventilate in?
Not fine.
The way she’d just accepted her boss’s decision not to promote her at the Harbor City Natural History Museum even though she was the most qualified candidate?
Not fine.
Agreeing to do the one thing she swore she’d never do and be on camera again after the absolute hell that was being a child actor?
Not fine.
