Page 5 of Hateful
Caleb has taken on a far-off look as he considers what the first step will be.
“So, self-defense. Or, try to never be alone. Do you have any friends?”
“Rafael,” I say, thinking of my roommate. “He knows I’m a girl. He’s gay,” I add quickly as Caleb frowns. “So, he’s not going to make any moves on me.”
“Hasanyonemade moves on you?” Caleb asks.
“No,” I lie, trying not to answer too quickly. It’s notentirelya lie, either.
Beck kissed me, sure. But he kissed me when I was a boy.
As much as I keep trying to tell myself otherwise, I have to remember that boy Alexisn’tme.
Caleb shrugs, his attention already returning to the remains of the baked good in his hand. “I think you should stick to crowds. Try not to be alone. Find out where the professors hang out,” he adds. “If something happens right in front of them, theyhaveto intervene. Hang around near them.”
I nod. This is all good advice, actually.
Too bad it won’t be much use at Bleakwood. When The Brotherhood wants to corner me, they’ll find a way to corner me. It’s as if the school itself was built with nooks and crannies just for that sole reason.
“And eat your damn muffin,” he snaps. “I bought it for you with my own money.”
I grin and unwrap it. “Fine.”
We eat and keep talking, and he tells me about college and how that’s going. But I don’t tell him that the pit in my stomach hasn’t gone away, that I’m still nervous.
I don’t tell him one more thing. I don’t tell him that I’ve started to wonder if I can even go back at all.
Because I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t.
As much as I’m worried who Bleakwood is turning me into, I don’t know who I am without it anymore.
Chapter Three
Somehow,I’ve gotten it into my head that it’s not up to me whether or not I go back.
Every day I keep expecting a letter to arrive telling me that I’m no longer welcome at Bleakwood. The dean of the girls’ school may want to use me, but she has to have told someone, right? And if not her, then Jasper.
Jasper.
Every time I start to think of him again, of our last encounter, I find myself having to shake him out of my head.
I was so sure that he wouldn’t tell my secret before. The more I’ve thought about it, however, the more I’ve come to wonder … well … why? Why wouldn’t he tell?
It’s not like Jasper to have shame. Or at the very least, I don’t think it is.
The more I think about it, or try to avoid thinking about it, the more I realize that I don’t really know Jasper at all.
But no letter comes. The days turn into a week, and then those weeks turn into several, and I realize, long after an uneventful Christmas and New Years have passed, that Iamgoing back to Bleakwood.
No one is going to stop me, not even me.
I don’t think I could if I tried.
The time to head back comes too soon. My mother and brothers wave me off for exactly three seconds before they get distracted, but I think I see Caleb glance once back over his shoulder at the car turning off down the road.
It might’ve been better if I hadn’t confided in him, but I guess only time will tell now.
I board the plane in my baggy hoodie with my hair freshly cut short like a boy’s once again. It feels strangely comforting to slip back into pretending to be Alex the boy; no one expects me to look pretty or be nice. Instead, I can sulk around the airport to my heart’s content, smelling like body odor and airplane.
