Page 420 of Seasons of Love
It was hard to explain because it hadn’t been just a single flashbulb moment. It was a combination of lots of little things.
“When I look at Jake, I want to pull him into my arms. I want to tell him how amazing he is, how much I respect his hard work and his ideas. I want to kiss him, and god, that day in LA is imprinted in my mind. Every time I see him, I want to do it all over again, but I don’t want to do it just once. I want to keep on doing it.”
“And how about Griff?”
Jake’s voice from the living room door made me jolt. My words got stuck in my throat as I realized he’d heard everything I said.
I opened and closed my mouth, but suddenly I was afraid that I’d say all the wrong things and lose Jake even before we got him.
He raised his hand to show us a bag he was carrying and went to the kitchen. Less than a minute later, he came back to the living room and sat on the coffee table facing Griff and me.
“I’m sorry I came in like that. I took your spare key earlier because I wasn’t sure if you’d be asleep when I came back, or…” he trailed.
“It’s okay, Jake,” Griff said. “You did the right thing.”
Griff reached for Jake, who held out his hand.
Jake looked at me. “All those things you said.”
“They’re all true, Jake,” I said.
“But how about Griff? He’s your husband. You love him.”
I looked at Griff and smiled. “Yes, that’s right. I love Griff more than I ever thought I could love another person, and it seems he kinda loves me back the same way.”
I laughed when Griff elbowed me.
“But you see, Jake,” I continued. “I thought what I felt for you was wrong. Even though Griff told me from the start of our relationship that he’s polyamorous, I didn’t get it. How could he be poly if he was with me and no one else? I was afraid I wasn’t enough for him. And then we met you, and my fear stopped being about Griff.”
“You were afraid to like me?” he asked.
“I was afraid to lose Griff, and I was confused about my feelings for you.” I shook my head. “I don’t even know how to explain it, but after the earthquake, maybe even before, I started realizing that my growing feelings for you didn’t diminish my feelings for Griff.”
I reached out for him, and he came forward a little on the table so he could hold both my hand and Griff’s.
His eyes flickered between Griff and me as he bit his lip. I felt myself harden at the thought of using my mouth to release his lip and then suck on it while Griff paid attention to the smooth skin of his neck.
Griff shifted a little, which I knew was on purpose because he could tell how hard I was, but we weren’t ready to take things further. Not until Griff was well enough, anyway. No matter how much he pushed.
“I’m scared,” Jake confessed. “I’ve never been in a relationship before. I don’t want to come between you, and I don’t want to be left hurting and alone when this ends…whatever this is…or will be.”
“The most important thing in a poly relationship is communication. It’s also the hardest,” Griff said. “Jake, do you feel something for me? Attraction? Maybe something else you can’t yet put your finger on?”
Jake nodded.
“And how about Mal? Do you feel the same?”
“Yes.”
“I do too,” Griff said and then looked at me. I nodded.
It was true. One of the reasons I’d struggled with my attraction to Jake was that it brought back all the feelings I had toward Griff when we first met.
“Maybe we don’t have to figure everything out just yet,” I said.
“Can I…can I kiss you?” Jake asked.
It didn’t matter who he was speaking to because the answer was hell yes.
