Page 224 of Seasons of Love
"Is that the only reason?"
No, it wasn't, but I didn't want to talk about it, so I got up and asked Filipe which animals he wanted to see next. After taking a few photos of Filipe with the sleeping lions in the background, we went to see the elephants.
I saw Vítor's gaze on me throughout the day. He didn't touch on the subject again, but I could tell my reaction had bothered him. Part of me wanted to tell him about Afonso, and part of me was reluctant. For as long as Vítor didn't know about Afonso, I had a little part of my life where I could be myself rather than the person on an endless search for his younger brother. The problem was that I wasn't sure how good I was at being myself any more.
When Bruno joined us in the afternoon, we'd had to wait for Filipe to catch him up on everything he'd seen before I could introduce him to Vítor.
We saw the dolphin show and went into the farm animals' enclosure where Filipe was able to pet some of the animals. I thought he was going to explode from excitement.
"Can I go on the rides, Bruno?" Filipe asked as we approached the small amusement park inside the zoo.
"You guys have a rest. I'll keep him busy for a bit," Bruno said.
There was a small coffee shop nearby, so we grabbed a coffee and sat on the metal chairs outside.
"So, what do you think of Lisbon Zoo? Is it everything you imagined?" I teased. "I bet you've never had this much fun in your life."
"It's been great, but I'm a little disappointed." His blue eyes looked anything but disappointed.
"Why are you disappointed?"
We were sitting next to each other so when Vítor turned to face me and put his hand around the back of my chair all air left my lungs.
"This zoo doesn't have a butterfly house."
It took me a while to understand what he meant because my brain was trying to cope with how close he was to me and how soft his lips looked. When I did, I looked up to his eyes. They were looking for answers I wasn't sure I could give.
"Vítor."
My voice was a whisper. Vítor stared at my mouth, his eyes hungry. I licked my lips, ready to throw caution to the wind and give in when I heard a little voice calling.
"Uncle Vítor, look at me!" Filipe called from the carousel. "I'm going fast like the cheetahs."
An unexpected sob tore through me, and I had to cover my face with my hands and press my fingers to my eyes to try to stop the tears from coming out. It was all too much. The emotions from spending the day with Bruno's younger brother when I didn't have mine with me, trying to fight the attraction to Vítor, and then witnessing Filipe "adopting" yet another uncle. It all had to come out.
"Hey, what's the matter?"
Vítor's voice was so worried it made me feel even worse. I didn't want this to happen here, didn't want Vítor to see me like this, and, more than anything, I didn't want Filipe to pick up on my emotions. Vítor's arms came around me, and I found myself pressed against his strong chest.
"Do you want to go home?"
I nodded as I tried to compose myself. Once my eyes were no longer red from crying, we went into the amusement park to tell Bruno we were going home. I wasn't sure he bought my excuse that I'd got a headache, but he didn't say anything.
"I think we'll head home, too. He's fighting his tiredness something fierce, but I know as soon as we're in the car he'll fall asleep. Thank you so much for spending the day with him. He's going to be talking about the zoo for the next month."
"Don't worry, I'll think of something else for him to chew your ear off about next time."
"Thanks." He laughed.
It took a while to get Filipe away from the rides, even though we could all see how tired he was, but in the end, Vítor came to the rescue with a small scoop of ice cream in a cup.
The car ride back to the apartment was silent. Vítor had taken the bus to meet us at the zoo, so I drove us back home.
When we arrived at the apartment, I went straight to my room. I'd taken my shoes off at the entrance but didn't bother getting undressed before I lay face down on my bed. Moments later, I heard the bedroom door open gently. I thought Vítor was checking on me and would leave me alone until I felt a dip in the bed next to me and strong arms maneuvering me so I was lying facing him with my head on the crook of his neck.
"You don't have to tell me anything, but please let me hold you."
The tears I'd been working so hard to keep away started running again. Vítor worked one of his hands up and down my back, soothing me, and the other gently cleared the tears from my closed eyes.
