Page 110 of Seasons of Love
“You have a lot on your shoulders, don’t you?” he asks.
“Everyone has, Jimmy. Last time I heard, your mom’s health hasn’t miraculously improved.” I catch him from the corner of my eye as we walk.
He’s not a bad guy, but we’re not close enough to be considered friends. I’m not even sure we have anything in common other than being gay.
“She has her good days,” he sighs. “But it’s different, man. Mom can call me if she needs help. She doesn’t need a sitter. I know Gerald has been giving you a hard time lately. He’s a dick.”
I shrug. What can I say? It’s true. Gerald is a dick, but talking about him in my free time is something I don’t want to do.
We’re walking past some of the most expensive houses in Stillwater. Some have high surrounding walls like they’re hiding some super-secret mansion. Others have lower walls, showing the beautifully manicured front yards with green lawns and carefully curated flowers.
What Florrie told me about the playground has been playing in my mind, which annoys me because it’s not like I even care about it. But now, instead of thinking about my dream house when I walk by, I wonder which of these big houses belongs to the person responsible for wanting to change the playground.
For the past twenty years, no one’s looked twice or cared about the south side of Stillwater. Why now?
And why am I giving it brain space? Maybe it’s just some kind of morbid curiosity.
“What do you think it looks like inside those big houses?” Jimmy asks.
I shrug. “Who knows? Probably lots of expensive things. Maybe old furniture that is so ancient you can’t touch it because you’ll ruin it, uncomfortable couches that make you sit straight and give you a backache. I don’t know.”
He laughs. “I’m not sure what I’d do with so much space. Would you spend your day going from one room to another, just sitting there and thinking, ‘I fancy spending some time in my third bedroom today,’” he says in a posh voice. “And now I’m going to the living room with my extremely large television because I need to compensate for the small size of my dick.”
We see an old lady on the other side of the road staring at us like she clearly heard Jimmy. He crouches next to a parked car, laughing so hard he’s holding his belly.
“I think she’s gone now. You’re safe,” I say a moment later after waving at the lady in the form of an apology.
When he stands, I see his green eyes are watery from laughing.
He stares at me, and for a moment, all I see is the innocence of a young man. His freckles are more pronounced, and I remember Mikey used to make fun of them. I think they’re quite adorable.
“You’re staring at me,” he says. His voice is breathy, and I realize we’re standing too close.
I take a step back. “I’m sorry. It’s just…” I look down at the ground, searching for my words. “You just reminded me a little of Mikey, you know, from before…but also after he came back.”
Jimmy puts his hand on my shoulder. “He really was trying to turn his life around, wasn’t he?”
“In his own way, yeah, I think he was.”
I want to believe that because it’s the only way I can carry on day after day. Pretending what happened to my brother wasn’t meant to happen. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that single moment changed my world forever.
We walk in silence until the houses become more working class. Closer together. Smaller. Familiar.
“Do you think they’ll really turn the playground into a parking lot?” Jimmy asks, breaking our silence.
“Don’t know.”
“We should do something about it. Florrie was visiting with my mom the other day and talking about starting a petition to stop it.”
I snort. “Like that’s ever worked.”
“Why are you so cynical about it? If the entire neighborhood gets behind this, we can make a difference, Milo. Come on, this is where we grew up. Don’t you want Sara to have somewhere to play when she’s old enough?”
The intensity of his feelings about the playground takes me by surprise. As does the anger that suddenly comes over me.
“Since when did you start caring about all this? When was the last time you were there, Jimmy? Answer that question, and then tell me why you want the playground to be saved. Because all I have is bad memories, and if the place burns down or sinks into a hole, it’s not a day too soon.”
I don’t realize I’ve sped up my pace until Jimmy grabs my arm.
