Page 160 of Seasons of Love
“You didn’t come,” I say.
“I wasn’t supposed to. I’m saving it for later. Us old guys can’t get it up as often as you.”
“Don’t say that.”
“What?”
“Don’t refer to yourself like you’re some kind of old grandpa. Especially because I’m not into grandpas, but I’m very much into you.” I turn my face to him. “I really don’t care about our age difference, Ellis.”
He goes silent, and I think I’ve lost him to his thoughts. “You say that now, but you can’t deny that there’s a significant age gap, Milo. You’re in the prime of your life. This is all great fun, but you’ll want to find someone you can grow old with.”
I tilt his head so he has to not only hear what I’m saying but see it in my eyes too.
“My parents never grew old together. My brother will forever be young. We only have now, and now? All I want is you.”
I kiss him before he can argue and don’t stop until he’s mush in my arms and his dick is hard again. Mine shows signs of recovery but not enough for a full hard-on.
“Tell me more about your family. Where’s Sara’s mom?”
I close my eyes and try to remember Sienna’s beautiful face as I saw her for the last time.
“Is this a painful thing to talk about? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”
“It’s okay. I don’t talk about her enough, and I should so I don’t forget her.” One day, I’ll want to tell Sara about her mom. The good parts, at least. I want her to know she was wanted and loved.
“There was a period of about two, almost three years where my brother disappeared. We had this massive argument where I tried to convince him to straighten up, get a job, and we’d support each other. He left that night and didn’t come back for two years.”
“I’m so sorry, Milo.”
I caress his cheek. I know he’s telling the truth and not just doing what everyone else does. There’s no pity. No poor Milo. Just understanding.
“Shh, this is my story. Anyway, one night, there’s a knock on the door, and he’s there. He looks good, healthy, happy. With him was this girl he met at some point during the time he was away. Her name was Sienna. She was beautiful, funny, caring. I knew it was because of her that my brother got his act together. We hit it off straight away, and she became like a little sister to me.”
My throat chokes, so I reach for Ellis’s hand and lace our fingers together.
“They moved in with me because they didn’t have anywhere to go. I gave them my room and started using this bed. Shortly after, they found out Sienna was pregnant. I’ve never seen my brother so happy. I thought I was finally going to have another chance at being a real family.”
“What happened then?”
“It was hard for him to get a job in a town where he was the catalyst for most of the stuff that turned this neighborhood into what it is now. He was getting more stressed the closer it came to Sienna giving birth. I should have seen it coming, but I was so happy that I became blind to him defaulting to his old behaviors. Coming home late. Mentioning some of his old friends.”
I take a breath. Ellis holds me tighter as if trying to remind me where I am.
“The night Sienna’s water broke, I couldn’t reach Mikey. I left loads of messages on his phone, but he never called back. I was there when Sara was born. I held Sienna’s hand as she brought the most precious gift into the world and, at that moment, I forgot about my brother. In the morning, two police officers came in asking for me. They told me my brother had been shot during a drug deal gone wrong. He died trying to protect a police officer his friend shot at.”
“Oh, Milo.”
“The change in Sienna was immediate. When she had to register the baby, she put my name on the birth certificate. I tried to argue that Mikey should be the named father. He was Sara’s father. But she just looked at me and said he’d made a decision that night and didn’t get to be anyone’s father. Once again, I was blind to what was happening around me. We were both grieving, so I didn’t notice when Sienna started changing her language. She spoke like there was no future. She said I was going to look after Sara so well. That she was so lucky to have me as her dad.
“Sara was five weeks old when Sienna took her life. She left a letter for me and a for Sara to read when she’s older. My letter just contained an apology and said she knew I’d look after Sara like she never could.”
“Once again, it was only you, but now you had this tiny baby to look after,” Ellis says.
“Believe it or not, it helped. The steep learning curve into parenthood made me put aside my pain to focus on Sara. Then Florrie moved in next door. We’ve been a family of sorts ever since. It’s been almost ten months since Mikey died and eight since Sienna. Some days it all feels so far away, like it never happened. Other days, the pain is so alive like it’s happening right now.”
“I’m really sorry that happened to you. I can’t even comprehend the pain you must have felt and the strength you needed to move on. Now that I know your story, all the gentle, shy smiles you always had for me whenever I went shopping mean so much more. I wish I had an ounce of your strength.”
The way Ellis says it makes me wonder if there’s something behind the statement, but I’m tired of the heavy stuff. I want to go back to feeling light and happy because I have my absolute crush and all-time-sexiest man in my arms.
