Page 167 of Malice and Surrender
Hangout was code for us. It was simple, mundane, and all the other kids used it, but for us, it meant exploring our interest in one another.
“It’s not that.” I ran my hand through my hair and turned my back on him. I jumped and yelped as his hand touched my shoulder. When I turned to look at him, I lost it, and tears broke free—tears I’d refused to cry for almost two weeks. My lip trembled, and Jace stared at my face, worry evident in his eyes.
The door opened, and Jace looked over his shoulder at the math teacher about to walk in. No words were exchanged, but Mr. Mattacini backed out and closed the door.
“Great, now we’re in trouble,” I groaned.
“No, we’re not. I caught him and the new art teacher doing it in the storage room, and I made sure they both knew it,” Jace said and lifted his shoulders, which didn’t help him look more innocent.
“Caught as in by accident or followed them?”
“Does it really matter? Knowing is knowing, and with that comes power. He won’t say shit to us, and I’m no longer failing math.” He smiled, and I shook my head. “What? It’s not my fault he decided to fuck someone at work. He’s a cheating dick, and as far as I’m concerned, he’s getting what he deserves. He’s just lucky I don’t leave a note for his wife.”
I wiped away the wetness on my face, annoyed that I was crying at all. “Whatever. Can I go now?”
“Fuck no. Not until you tell me what happened,” Jace said.
“I don’t want to talk about it here.” I crossed my arms and looked down at my new sneakers. “After basketball practice.”
“Fine, but I will find out, and I want you to be the one to tell me. Don’t force me to go all undercover P.I. on you.”
True to his word, as soon as practice was over and everyone had left, Jace called his mom and asked if I could stay the night to work on a school project. He amazed me with how easily he could lie.
I was never that good. It was why I tried so hard never to give my parents any reason to question my sexuality. It was safer to pretend everything was fine, and I’d gone along with it since I started to see Jace as more than my friend. I figured if they didn’t ask if I liked guys, I wouldn’t have to answer, and they wouldn’t be faced with kicking me out. They’d both made it very clear that no son of theirs would fuck another guy.
I guess my uncle didn’t get that memo.
My mom only agreed to the sleepover when I said it was for school. I thought I heard relief in her voice. They hadn’t said much to me since the camping trip. It was what Courtney said and had nothing to do with my Uncle Martin. I didn’t think they knew what he did. If they did and were protecting him…no, I couldn’t think about that.
“Okay, we’re alone. I even double-checked the locker rooms and got rid of Matt and Lacey making out under the bleachers,” Jace said as he dropped down beside me. In his very Jace way, he sprawled out on the bleachers. The giant Gator logo stared at us from across the gym. “Spill, what’s going on?”
I ran my backpack straps through my fingers, my body shaking as I thought about what had happened. Jace moved, and although I knew he’d touch me, I still couldn’t stop myself from jumping as his arm wrapped around my shoulders. Instead of pulling away, he gripped me tighter, hugging me.
“Alex, what the hell is going on?”
“Jace…I don’t want to say it out loud. It feels like it will make it worse somehow, or I don’t know, but….” I stammered out quickly, my chest heaving. I wiped my hands on my jeans over and over like that would wipe away the stain of what had happened.
“Okay, slow your roll. You’re gonna make yourself pass out,” Jace mumbled as he held me tighter. “Whatever happened has happened, and nothing you say will make it worse.”
“I know, but I can’t help feeling like this.”
“No, but it’s true.” Jace pulled back, and I didn’t want him to let me go. For those few short seconds, I felt safe. Jace always made me feel safe. “And no matter what you tell me, I’m here. You know that.”
“You may not be. You may decide to fuck off,” I said, and Jace’s brow furrowed, his eyebrows pressing so close together that they almost touched. I knew what was coming before he opened his mouth.
“Are you fucking stupid?”
I smiled, but the happiness faded as I blurted it out. “My uncle hurt me, Jace. After I texted you and fell asleep, he snuck into my tent.”
“Hurt you? You mean like hit you? For what?”
I shook my head no. I wished he’d hit me. I’d take a thousand punches over what he’d done to me.
“Did he say mean shit?”
It was my turn to stare at Jace. He just wasn’t clued in, and I didn’t want to say it. His eyes remained confused a moment longer and then went wide. “He…he hurt you like…touched you…like not hitting?” I nodded, and once more, the fucking tears filled my eyes. “Like just hand or more?”
“More,” I choked out. “Like everything.”
