Page 124 of Malice and Surrender
“I don’t hate you, Tink. I wanted to so badly, but I don’t hate you,” I mumbled against her lips and then attacked her mouth again as she touched my chest. I felt each of her fingers as they fanned out like she was tentative to touch me, but couldn’t resist.
She moaned as I explored what I’d wanted for so long. Years I’d craved and wanted her just like this, and then I ended up behind bars. I spent more years thinking she wanted to hurt me. In all that time, not once did I think she’d actually suffered. Why hadn’t I thought more about it? I’d assumed so much because it was the easy answer. I was no better than her. If I’d known someone had hurt her…I shuddered with the thought. I would’ve found and killed them before they had the chance to lock me up, and I never would’ve signed off on a plea deal.
The raw pain of what she’d experienced was in her eyes last night. I saw the same trauma I shared shining back at me. She was willing to die at my hand to end the agony we’d caused one another. I loved her more now than I ever thought was humanly possible. I was obsessed. There was no other way to put it. Raine Eastman had always been the one consuming thought in my mind, but now she’d taken over my soul.
Cupping her ass, I pulled her up my body. She didn’t fight me, wrapping her legs around my waist and her arms around my neck as she kissed me harder. “I’m sorry, Tink.” I shook my head. “I…I don’t know how to make up for what I did, but I want you. I’ve always wanted you.”
“I don’t know, Kai,” she said.
“Yes, you do. You’ve always been mine. From the first day, we met, I knew we were meant to be together.”
Breaking the kiss, she pulled back, and even though her eyes were still hostile, the edge was gone. Raine’s eyes searched my face, and I wished I knew what she was looking for.
“You have a terrible way of showing it,” she finally said, and I smiled. It felt like it had been forever since I smiled for real. “But, I’m not yours, at least not only yours,” she said, and my smile turned into a snarl. “Be pissed all you want, but I had a life before you decided to blow it up.”
“You can’t mean those two assholes?” Her eyebrow lifted as she quietly sassed me. I let go of her ass, and her feet dropped to the floor. “You’re serious? You want them?”
I backed away from her, needing to put space between us. I couldn’t think straight when she was close to me. Reaching the furthest part of the small room, I turned to face Raine.
“But you said you loved me.” I knew I sounded pitiful and was happy that none of the guys at the clubhouse could hear me. “In the letter you left for Avro. You said you still love me.”
Her eyes got big and then narrowed as she crossed her arms. “How exactly did you end up reading a letter I left for Avro? You better not have fucking hurt him.”
I rolled my eyes. “No, of course not, and I didn’t raid your house if that’s what you’re thinking. The guy came to me and ordered me to find you. It was really stupid of him. But pretty brave. I’ll give him that.” Raine rubbed her face and sighed.
“Of course he did,” Raine mumbled.
“How can you say you love me but want them and whatever you had going on?” I reached for my smokes and remembered I had already smoked the last one. Fuck, of all the times to be out.
“First, I know it’s a stretch for you, but don’t be an asshole,” Raine sniped, making my lip curl up. Her face went bright red as she continued to fume. “And don’t try to tell me that you haven’t had more than one girl at a time before, or am I reading you all wrong?”
I swallowed hard as images of group sex with sweetbutts flashed behind my eyes. I stuffed my hands into my pockets.
“That’s different.”
“Oh, I see,” Raine growled, and fuck, my body flushed hot. I could see the spark of anger and jealousy in her eyes, and my heart pounded hard for it. Why did she have this power over me? “Then please, by all means, explain to me how it’s different. I’m really fucking curious to hear that answer.”
I felt a trap coming. Licking my lips, I tried to find a way to back out of the pile of shit I was stepping in. Hopefully, there wasn’t one of Wilder’s landmines under it. “Cause….”
“Cause? Wow, I’m impressed with the overwhelming argument you pose. Good thing you didn’t decide to be a lawyer. Your clients would be fucked.”
My eyes narrowed into a glare, my neck cracking as I tilted it to the side. All I wanted to do was stomp across the room and force Raine to see I was the only one she wanted. Fuck those other two guys.
“Gimmie a second. I’m thinking how to word this.”
“Well, you’re doing a bang-up job so far. Go on. I’m waiting with bated breath.”
“Damn, you still have that fucking sass. You make me want to fuck you stupid, Tink. Watch that mouth. I’m hanging by a thread here,” I growled out, but it only made her angrier as her hands balled into fists. I didn’t know what the fuck had happened on her trip to Atlanta, but this was not the same Raine that left Miami. Maybe it was the air, but I had a feeling it had to do with me pushing her over her breaking point last night. No longer fearing death changed a person.
Before I did exactly what I wanted to do and didn’t get anything solved, I tried again.
“Fuck. It’s just different, okay. The sweetbutts or any other girl don’t mean anything to me. I fuck them and move on to the next. Doesn’t matter if it’s one or ten because there is nothing between us. They are there to be used, and that’s what I do. Fuck ‘em, use ‘em, leave ‘em, done.”
It was like the air was sucked out of the room as the glacial glare she gave me somehow turned more lethal. She looked so badass, and all I could think about was ripping her clothes off. My head was fucked.
Raine whipped the door open, and I stared out at the poorly lit parking lot. The scent of stale air, loneliness, and regret wafted in at me. If I stepped through that door, that was it. I knew in my heart that as surely as the door would close behind me, so would the opportunity to make this right. I couldn’t let that happen.
A mix of panic and rage burned in my gut. I didn’t even know who the rage was pointed toward anymore, which added to the internal confusion. The only thing I was clear on was that I couldn’t step one foot outside that door if I wanted Raine.
