Page 118 of Malice and Surrender
“Penis, penis, penis,” he called out like he was in the midst of the game Marco Polo. It was like a train wreck I couldn’t look away from as he took off in a run around the bus terminal. He hid behind shocked people, using them as shields and the large planters with small trees before sprinting toward the exit. “Penis,” echoed back through the open door until it closed.
“I do hope he finds his pecker, terrible thing to lose it,” the elderly man beside me said, and I couldn’t hold back the laugh any longer. The man was dressed like an old English gentleman, from the wool cap on his head to the polished shoes on his feet and the wooden cane in his hand. He lifted a bushy white eyebrow and smiled before turning to face the front of the line once more.
“How can I help you?” The teller smiled as I stepped up to the glass.
“I need to get to Seattle,” I said.
“We don’t have a bus that takes a direct route, but there’s a bus that goes from here to the Atlanta bus terminal. From there, you can take one bus the rest of the way or shorter distance ones if you want to stop along the way,” she said.
“Sounds good. I always wanted to see Atlanta.” I pulled out my wallet and was going to swipe my card but thought better of it and handed her cash. I had no idea what tricks Kai might have up his sleeve, but I wouldn’t put it past him to track my cards.
I grabbed my ticket and wandered out to the bus idling on the curb. Seattle was the furthest place I could think of to put space between myself and all that had happened here and it was a spot I always wanted to see.
“Penis! No, you’ll never take me alive.” I looked toward the parking lot and saw security forcing Penis Man into the back of a police car. On the plus side, I wasn’t starting my day in the back of a cruiser. I guess there was always a silver lining…
I hated this. I hated that once more, Kai found a way to terrify me. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t him that hurt me when I was fifteen. I’d still spent my whole life believing it. Then when he came back, it certainly wasn’t to try and explain that it wasn’t him. Then again, I don’t know if I would’ve listened to him if he had knocked on my door. It was all so complicated.
No matter what I’d said to Kai, I was scared that my life would be forever living out of a backpack on the run from him and the rage that had built up like a volcano inside him. I realized that I could never be with anyone ever again. Whether it was five, ten, or even twenty years from now didn’t matter. That shimmer in his eye had said it all—no one would ever be safe.
Maybe I just wanted to hurt, but I did what I ordered myself not to do and pulled out my burner phone. My finger hovered over the text message before giving in and tapping on the little dot. This would be my one guilty pleasure. I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist when I sent myself the pictures. I had snapped some images of Avro and me at the beach and another that Avro insisted we take after Jace’s concert with all three of us in it.
My heart ached for so many reasons, and I started questioning if I should be going.
“No, there is no point in dwelling on the ‘what ifs,’ ” I mumbled.
Glancing at the time as a few people lined up, I realized I’d been staring at the photos for over half an hour. Stuffing the phone into my jeans pocket, I pushed away from the wall and made my way to the line of passengers slowly boarding the bus.
“Any big baggage needs to go around to the other side of the bus,” the driver called out as the procession shuffled along.
The more I thought about it, the more it felt right to take the opportunity to spend a few days at each location the buses stopped to tour around. It would be my version of a hired bus tour. Besides, once I hit Seattle, I’d need to find a job and a place to stay. Who knew when I would get the chance to vacation again? I had enough money to keep me going for a while in my bag but not enough to live off of for a long time.
I handed my ticket to the man collecting at the door. My nose curled as I stepped inside, bombarded with the fake scent of coconut and pineapple. I normally didn’t mind these particular flavors, but it was as if the smell had reached inside my nose and tried to choke me. Opting to sit as far away from the smell as possible, I wandered to the back of the bus and picked a spot with two empty seats.
Sitting by the window, I placed my bag in my lap and pulled out the pamphlets and maps I’d taken from the bus station. Of course, the first one I opened had an ad for Eclipse, and my heart fell.
My boss wasn’t impressed with my impromptu departure. I told him it was an emergency that couldn’t be avoided and recommended Avro take my place. He still grumbled and cursed into the phone about how no one could run the place as well as I had. It was a stupid statement, I hadn’t been the manager for very long, but I promised that if I came back into town, I’d call.
My finger rubbed over the image, and I choked up. It felt like I was trying to contain the tide with my emotions raging and swaying one way and then the other. Never allowed to settle, never able to feel too safe before it all fell out from under me all over again. Like a bottle lost at sea forced away from shore only to tumble back and be yanked away once more, that was the story of my life.
I stared out the window, keeping my eyes on the butterfly floating around. Its brightly colored wings shimmered in the golden rays of the bright sun. A sun that had shined every day since my attack. A reminder that no matter what had happened to me, the girl in the bed beside me, or even the man in the room down the hall…the world continued to turn.
It was a terrible thing to realize that you were unimportant. I was nothing more than a blip on the radar or another grain of sand along the beach, blending in with all the others. I was no one special. The girl with cancer in the bed beside me was no one special. There wasn’t a collective holding of breath to see if either of us survived. Only difference was, she had people that visited daily.
That reality was terrifying and freeing. I didn’t matter, and no one cared, so I had no one to disappoint, but never being seen or understood and never being able to trust again was scary. I was now sixteen, having spent my birthday in the hospital, and it already felt like I’d lived three lifetimes and died twice along the way.
“Hi there, sweetie, are you all packed and ready to go?” The warm and cheery voice said from behind me. I smiled as I recognized Nurse Liz’s voice. Pulling back on the wheels of the wheelchair, I slowly turned to face her. She always had the warmest smile. She nodded toward the wheelchair. “You’re getting better,” she said.
“Thanks. I’m still awkward, and I get mixed up on which way to pull and push to turn. It makes me feel stupid.”
“Nonsense. A baby learns to crawl before it can stand and eventually walk and then run. You’ve only been able to get up and move around for a few days. You’ll get used to it.”
“Hopefully, I won’t need it much longer. The doctor said that the wounds are healing well and the grafts are holding, so I can start walking around more.”
Liz smiled and grabbed my packed bag, laying it on the bed. “You’re not forgetting anything, are you?”
“I don’t think so.” I didn’t have much, just a few changes of clothes and my journal. “Did my foster parents say when they would be coming to get me?” The bright smile slipped.
Liz looked away, and I knew something was wrong. “I thought you would’ve known,” she said.
