Page 114 of Malice and Surrender
“Whoa, Tink, don’t be doing that,” Kai said like he was trying to soothe me, his eyes wide as he stared at the shaking barrel of the gun.
“Or what? It might go off. Let it. Avro and Jace are the first people to make me feel human and myself again in years. You want to come in here and destroy that, rip away the slice of happiness I’ve carved for myself? Fuck you, Snake.” I pressed harder into the metal until it hurt. “I won’t let you tear me down anymore, and I won’t let you hurt them.”
“Let go of the gun, Snake,” Roach ordered, and Kai immediately let go.
My lower lip trembled as the last remaining bits of the girl I’d once been crumbled to dust around me. Flipping the gun around, I quickly popped the magazine, and it fell to the floor with a thud. I uncocked it, and the loaded bullet dropped to the floor. I tossed the gun at Kai, and he caught it. I’d never liked guns, but I’d gone to the range and learned how to use one. Fear makes you do things you never thought you would.
“Get out. I never want to see you again. If you ever loved me at all, leave me alone,” I said, my heart breaking with each word.
“Tink….” I could see the remorse in his eyes now that he’d calmed down, but it didn’t matter. The damage was done. In one single act of jealousy, he’d destroyed my life all over again.
“Don’t call me that, and get out,” I said, my chin held high.
“Come on. Let’s go,” Roach coaxed.
The way Kai hesitated, I wasn’t sure if he would go. He looked at me, then glanced at Avro and Jace before letting Roach herd him out the door. I stood and watched from the window as the two of them got into a truck and drove away, and still, I didn’t move.
As soon as I did, I knew what would happen. Encasing my heart in the walls it needed, I turned to face Jace and Avro. Jace was, of course, the first to speak.
He dabbed at his nose with the hoodie he was wearing. “Let me guess, that’s your friend, and you still don’t want me to call the fucking cops.” I didn’t say anything, and he shook his head. “Fuck me,” he snarled and stomped off.
“I’ll talk to him,” Avro said, and I held up my hand.
“No, let him cool off.” I lifted a shoulder. “He has every right to be angry, and so do you. I need to go home and spend the night there to clear my head.” I took in the destroyed room. “I’m so sorry,” I said. “I’ll help with cleanup, but I just can’t right now.”
“Let me drive you home.” He stepped toward me, and I held up my hand to stop him. I couldn’t let him touch me, or I’d lose all the courage I needed for what was next.
I shook my head and grabbed my purse and hoodie. “I could use the fresh air. I’ll be fine.”
“But Snake could be waiting. I really should drive you.”
I shook my head. “No, he won’t stick around. He knows this was a huge fuck up. Trust me. I know that look in his eyes. He won’t be back.”
Avro’s eyes held the same sad and hooded expression as my heart did. I stepped up to the front door and gave him a small smile as I tried to alleviate the worry I saw on his face.
“I’m so sorry for all of this. I really am. Can you tell Jace I’m sorry too?”
“You can tell him tomorrow. It will be better coming from you,” he said, and I nodded. “You’ll be at work tomorrow, won’t you? Do you want me to pick you up? Jace flies out the following morning, so we can talk after work,” Avro blurted out. He would make a terrible poker player. He was worried that this would drive a wedge between us, and he was right, which was why I couldn’t let that happen.
“Yeah, that works. Pick me up at the normal time.”
“You sure you’re okay? It’s no problem to take you home,” he offered for the third time.
“No, I need the space at the moment.” Swallowing down the emotions churning inside me, I sucked in a deep breath to help steady myself. “I love you, Avro,” I said and heard him say it back as I closed the door. I couldn’t stay for even another second, or he would tempt me to stay.
The walk was forty minutes to my house, and with each footstep, the tears fell a little more until there was nothing left to cry out. My life had been one blow after the other, and I wasn’t sure how I was still standing, but I was, which meant that I was stronger than I’d realized.
Stepping into the little house I’d called home for the last six years, I ran up the stairs and didn’t bother to look at my reflection in the mirror over my dresser. I knew I looked like hell warmed over. Stripping off the hoodie I had on, I tossed it into the pile of laundry that would never be washed and pulled on my favorite one and a jacket before grabbing my go bag. I swapped out my runners for the short leather boots and went to my nightstand to take the only other two personal items I had in the house: my journal and my V.C. Andrews book.
Tearing a page from the journal, I quickly wrote a note to Avro and Jace, and my lower lip quivered the entire time. Tears dripped onto the paper as I read it over, folded it, and put it in an envelope. Pushing the journal into the bag, I gave the room one more sweep before jogging down the stairs and locking the door.
There were some things in life you just couldn’t fix, and this was one of them. Love or hate, Kai was filled with a toxic amount and would never be able to stay away. I’d seen it in his eyes tonight. That meant Avro and Jace would never be safe from his wrath. One of those rages would end up with me, or one of them killed, and I wouldn’t have that. Avro had been my only friend for so long. He saw past the scars and cared enough to get to know me, and now he was the single piece of happiness and good in my life. If he died because of me…
I shook my head, unable to contemplate that thought. The look of fear and sadness on their faces was enough to crush me, but the dark bruises, blood, and cuts were just too much. This was for the best, and it was the only card I had left. The ace of spades was in my hand, and it was time to use it.
I put the envelope in my mailbox and walked to the bus stop. Pulling up the map on my phone, I thought about all the places I’d wanted to see in person. This wasn’t how I thought it would happen, but it was time. The universe was giving me the boot like the Collinses had when I got out of the hospital. I had survived then, and I would survive now.
Avro
