Page 93 of Wild Mistake
“Sure.” Aiden walks me to the passenger door. He opens it, then offers me his hand the way he always does. After he walks around the front of the truck, he joins me in the cab and starts the engine before lifting his gaze to mine. “Where do you want to go?”
My brain can’t come up with one spot in this town that doesn’t hold a memory of him. “We can just park here. If that’s okay?”
Aiden releases a deep sigh. “Whatever you want.”
“So, the thing is”—I close my eyes and gather the strength to continue—“The last few days have been hard.”
“I can imagine.”
“And I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. About us. About life. About me.”
He waits patiently.
“Aiden, I need some time to figure things out. To figure my shit out. I think we need some time apart.”
“You want to break up?” Aiden’s brow furrows.
“Maybe it’s time I learn how to love myself without a man. I need to put my boys first, and show them I can stand on my own two feet.” The reason that made so much sense in my head falls flat as I speak it aloud. “Aiden, I’m almost forty and I’ve only been with two men. I’ve never been on my own. Not really.”
“I don’t believe you want to see other people.” Aiden shakes his head.
“I don’t.” I twist my hands together in my lap. I’ve imagined this conversation a dozen times, but I’m explaining this all wrong. “You’re missing the point.”
“Then, what is it?”
“I can’t be with you.” My heart breaks as I push the words past my lips. “I thought I could do this, but I can’t. Gabe and Parker are my priority.” They’re my whole damn world. “I have to put them first.”
“Baby.” Aiden reaches for my hand. “We have wasted so many years apart. I hear you, I do, and I see where you are coming from, but Sarah, it kills me to think about wasting even another second. Haven’t we wasted enough time? I don’t want to live another day without you in my life. We can find a way to make this work.”
My throat feels tight. My chest aches. Tears prick my eyes. “I’m going to get an apartment in Phoenix.”
“What?”
“The boys hate it here. It was selfish of me to move them away from their home. I found a place we can rent that’s close enough for them to ride the city bus to their old school. Gabe will get to have his senior year with his friends and after that I’ll let Parker decide what he wants.”
“No, Sarah.” He shakes his head. “Please tell me you’re joking.”
“Aiden.” I hold back the urge to cry, or worse, to lean on him. “I have to put Gabe and Parker’s needs first. I’m sorry, but I can’t do that if we’re together.” If I hadn’t moved here, Gabe would have never been in that accident. I’m not willing to risk their happiness. I got lucky this time. Gabe will heal, and cars can be replaced. But Gabe is miserable here. Parker misses his old life. Those are truths I can’t ignore.
“I know you think you are doing the right and noble thing and God, I love you for putting your kids first. But when do you put yourself first?” Aiden squeezes my hand. “We don’t have to be together. I would die a happy man just being your friend if that’s all you wanted to give me. But don’t do this because you think sacrificing yourself will make up for Jake’s wrongs. You don’t have to prove you’re a good mother. You already are. Maybe they can’t see that right now, but one day they will realize how much you love them. You don’t have to move away for that to happen. You love with your entire soul, Sarah. You don’t owe anyone anything. Not even me.”
His words hit to the center of my soul. But he’s wrong about one thing. I’m not seeking repentance for my husband’s mistakes. It’s for my own.
“I’m sorry, Aiden.” I pull my hand out of his and reach for the door. “I can’t do this anymore. We’re done. Please don’t try and convince me otherwise.” My hands shake as I pull the door handle. My legs wobble as I walk away. But I don’t look back. Aiden and I had our chance, but we screwed it up and I need to let him go. For good this time.
36
AIDEN
I can’t believeSarah broke up with me. Again. I knew things weren’t right after she asked me to leave the hospital. I reminded myself she had a lot on her plate. Tried not to take it personally when she ignored my calls and barely answered my texts. But her son was in the hospital, and I kept hoping that once they got home we would find our way back.
What hurts the most is her asking me to stay away. She doesn’t want me. Not only as a boyfriend, but as a friend.
Over the next week and a half I try to find a new routine that doesn’t include thinking about Sarah. It’s impossible. Memories are everywhere in this town. Hell, even this bedroom reminds me of how good we were together. It’s crazy that not even two weeks ago we were sneaking off to make love every chance we could. Now, I’m just trying to find a sliver of purpose in each day.
A glutton for punishment, I take out the stack of letters I saved and read through them. I wonder if she kept the ones I wrote her. The letters span three years and are my most treasured possession. Moving around a lot, there isn’t much I own that has great value. But this is my proof that our love was real. We might have been young, but I dare anyone to read through these and tell me what we had wasn’t true.
Maybe that’s why I’m reading them now. Maybe I need a reminder that the last month hasn’t been something I fabricated in my head. Sarah loved me. No, fuck that. I believe she still does love me, if only she were brave enough to face it.
