Page 78 of Caught in Us
Because I love him.
Fuck.
I never stopped.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
And part of me wants to give up everything to be with him again. This is bad. So bad. Worse than I thought. What am I doing?
My tears fall before I make it back inside the hospital. They don’t stop as I walk the hallways, nor when strangers stare with concern. I should go back to the waiting room. Apologize and be with my family, but I can’t bring myself to face them.
Maybe I deserve to be alone. I push everyone away. I’ve done this to myself.
I stop into one of the bathrooms to wash my face. I can hardly meet my own reflection. My eyes are rimmed red. My skin is blotchy. The circles under my eyes show every bit of my exhaustion. I don’t even resemble the woman who watched her friends get married less than twenty-four hours ago.
It's been just as long since I’ve seen my son. Guilt seeps into my mind. I hate being away under good circumstances. Pulling my cell out, I press Simon’s contact to check in. It seems a poor substitute when I’d rather have Matthew in my arms. I could really use a hug.
Simon answers on the first ring. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I barely get out the word before a cry pushes past my lips. The tears that never really stopped are back again, but this time falling faster.
“Oh, babe. What is it?”
“I fucked up.” I sniffle, reaching for a paper towel to press against my face. “I thought last night was a good idea, but I’ve already ruined it.”
“I’m sure you haven’t.”
I shake my head, even though Simon can’t see. “No. I think I have.” I swipe at my cheeks, trying to eradicate the evidence of my emotional breakdown. “Feelings suck. I hate this.” As a person who numbed herself most of her adult years, allowing myself to feel anything cuts with a sharpness I’m not accustomed to. “I’m never doing this again.” I made sure of that. Chase won’t want to speak to me after the things I said.
“The sex was that bad, huh?”
Despite my tears, a laugh bursts from my lips. “Simon!”
“Sorry.”
“I love him,” I blurt, and that only causes more tears to fall.
“Oh, Alicia. You always have.”
“I’m scared.”
“Of course you are.”
“I pushed him away.”
“He’ll come back.”
“What if he doesn’t?” I wouldn’t blame him. Not after today.
“He will.”
I sniffle. “How do you know that?”
“Because you’re worth the fight.”
It’s hard for me to believe that. “You’re too good to me.”
“I know.” He chuckles and I picture him rolling his eyes and smiling one of his crooked grins. “Now, what’s the latest with your dad? Is there anything you need?”
