Page 47 of Caught in Us
22
Alicia
One and a halfyears ago
Dear Chase,
Today was a hard day. It should have been one filled with joy and celebration. I should be overjoyed. Proud even, after the year I survived. Our son turned one today! It’s a big milestone.
I’m not close with anyone here and I didn’t feel like throwing a party for less than five people. It’s not as if he’s going to know; he’s only one. So I bought a cake, one of those smash cakes. I know, it’s ridiculous to pay for something he was only going to ruin. But honestly, it was worth it. His face and hands covered in frosting—it was the only time I smiled all day.
Because all I could think about was you.
No, that’s not entirely true. I thought about drinking too. Fantasized about how the liquor would taste. Even now, my veins buzz with a longing I can’t seem to shut off. A drink would feel so good right now. It would help this day get better. It would help me forget.
But that’s a lie. It wouldn’t help at all. It would ruin everything. And I’ve been sober for two and a half years. Yeah, it sounds impressive even to myself.
I was made to live. Not to merely exist. And I have so much to live for.
But sometimes, especially on days like today, I wonder . . . how you are. Did I make the right choice? Should I call you? Tell you? You deserve to meet your son.
But I’m terrified, Chase. Because I know how much I’m struggling to stay sober and I have everything to lose. I keep remembering how easily you slipped up after the hurricane, and how I was completely blindsided.
Before that, I thought together we were above our addiction. Stronger. Invincible. That’s what your love made me believe. I see the absurdity of it now. I was naïve to think we could outsmart our weakness. And I wonder, if I’d been more careful with my heart, would we have been better off?
Sometimes I think we would have. But I can’t regret you, because you gave me the greatest gift of my life. I don’t know when or if I’ll give you this letter, but I want you to know there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t think of you. I come home to a reminder each day. I hope he gets the best parts of us. Your killer smiles. Tenacity and resilience. A kind soul. I never want him to know addiction, which is why I have to stay away.
I know myself too well. If I saw you, if you wrapped me in your arms, I’d believe anything is possible again. I’d risk my sobriety and our son’s life to be with you, I know I would. I don’t know if that makes me self-aware or pathetic. I hope one day you’ll understand. I pray you’re doing well. Finding joy. Staying sober. I wish nothing but the best for you, including love, even if it hurts to know it won’t be with me.
Alicia
As soon as I sign my name the tears come, silent sobs shaking my entire body. I fold the letter and set it on top of the others, then close the lid on the small keepsake box. I don’t know why I write to him. I’m not going to send them. But a piece of me, a foolish piece, still holds out hope. For what exactly, I don’t know.
Chase and I aren’t getting a second chance. There will be no happily ever after. Not when he finds out about Matthew. Which is why I have to stay away. There are some things in life that are unforgiveable. I’ve made my choices. I did what I had to do to protect our son. But I’ll never find peace in it, and maybe that’s the saddest part of it all.
23
Chase
Present Day
When Alicia texted, asking to see me so soon after dropping her and Matthew back at her parents’, I was intrigued. Distracted. Obsessed. It’s all I can think about. It’s why I burned the popcorn—a big fail on my part because the kitchen still smells bad. Even the teens notice my lack of presence, which is really saying something since they tend to be self-absorbed most of the time. I’m thankful for the movie playing, because I don’t think I can handle anything requiring my full attention.
My knee bounces as the minutes tick by painfully slowly. My phone is in my hand in case she texts or calls. I check the clock to see only five minutes have passed since the last time I looked. Fuck. What’s taking her so long? Surely she won’t make me wait all night.
God, help me. I’ve turned into an angst-ridden teenager.
If I’m honest, I haven’t stopped thinking of her all week. Not since I found out she was coming to the wedding, and that was before I found out she had my child. Fuck. It’s only been a few days, but she’s changed everything.
My phone buzzes in my hands.
Alicia: I’m here. Should I come in?
“Hey, Ronny.” I tap the shoulder of the teen sitting to my right. “Hold everything down for me? I’ll just be a minute.” I nod to the front entrance.
“Sure thing, man.” He nods, his chest puffing with the responsibility I just gave him.
Thankfully, it’s a chill crowd tonight and everyone’s fairly interested in the movie. I don’t feel bad leaving them alone for a few minutes. Outside, Alicia waits next to a parked vehicle. She walks over to meet me along the curb of the sidewalk. “Hey.”
