Page 59 of Caught in Us
My body hums with a restless energy after she’s gone. I want to talk to Alicia, but now is not the time nor place. Plus, she won’t even look at me, back to hiding across the room like she was for most of the night. It’s probably for the best. As much as I want her, and as much as she strikes up old feelings, I shouldn’t act on them.
I’m sitting back into one of the chairs when I notice Alicia give Callie and Jill hugs, then head for the entrance. What the hell? I ditch my table and in several long strides catch up to her before she reaches the exit. “Hey, you leaving?”
She stops and turns at the sound of my voice. “Yeah.”
She wasn’t going to say good-bye. It stings more than it should. “Need a ride?”
“I borrowed one of my parents’ cars.”
“I’ll walk you out, then.”
She shakes her head before I even get out the words. “No, I’m right here.” She presses the disarm button on her key remote and the taillights to a car parked right out front flash. “Night, Chase.” She turns and walks away before I can convince her otherwise.
“Drive safe.” I want to ask her to text me when she gets home. I almost do, but something holds me back.
She lifts her hand, waving without looking back. I hate that I can’t see her face. Or read her expression. She pushes out of the front doors and seconds later she’s in the car, pulling onto the street. Leaving me behind. Like she always seems to do. I wonder how many more times I’ll watch her do it. More importantly, when will it stop hurting?
* * *
It'safter midnight by the time our party wraps up and everyone is safely on their way home. I stick Cam and Jill in the back seat of my pickup and head home. They talk but my mind drifts to the apprehension I feel for tomorrow. I hadn’t expected to see Alicia tonight, or Julia, and especially not together. I expected to feel torn. Maybe more conflicted. But there was no contest. Wrong or right, there was only one woman taking up space in my mind. Just thinking about how much worse it will be at the wedding frazzles my nerves.
Which is why, after I park my truck and help a stumbling Cam and Jill get into their house, I pull out my phone and send the message I’ve been avoiding all night.
Me: Hey, are you up? I think we should talk.
It’s late. I doubt she’s up.
Julia: I’m awake. Do you want to come over?
Fuck. This is going to be hard. I don’t want to hurt her, but I can’t go into my brother’s wedding without laying out the complete truth. She deserves that. It’s the least I can do.
Me: On my way now.
I rehearse what I’m going to say on the short drive to her apartment. But that all goes out the window when I show up on her doorstep.
She opens the door before I knock. A thick cotton robe wraps her body and she hugs it close. Her eyes are bloodshot as if she’s been crying, and the wariness in her gaze makes me feel like shit. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I shove my hands into my slacks, noting how she doesn’t invite me in. I open my mouth to speak but hesitate, trying to find the words. There’s no easy way to say this.
“We’re breaking up.” A few tears drop from her lashes and she sniffles, her jaw clenching. “Aren’t we?” Her gaze doesn’t waver, even if her voice does. There’s strength in the depths of her eyes and I admire her directness. But fuck, I can’t stand to cause her pain.
“I think it’s best.” I resist the urge to comfort her.
“You know, I really loved you. I thought we could be something.” She sniffles again.
God, this hurts. “I’m sorry. I care about you. I always have, but . . .” How do I begin to explain the connection Alicia and I share?
“It’s her, isn’t it? Alicia?”
I nod. “Yeah.” I want to bring up Matthew. Explain this isn’t only about an old flame. But that’s not really the truth. It wouldn’t matter if Matthew was mine or not. It’s Alicia my heart has always wanted. I tried to move on. To make a life filled with joy without her. I thought I’d done that with Julia, but I was only going through the motions. We never burned as bright. Even now, breaking up, there’s no hatefulness, no fighting, no resistance. “I’m sorry, Julia.”
“I’ve always known you were holding back a piece of yourself.” She swipes away a tear, and fiddles with the tie of her robe. “I thought it was unintentional, because of your past. Your incessant passion to help those who’ve been where you were. But now I know. It was her. You couldn’t love me with everything because she always had a part of you I never could.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—” I scrub a hand over my face. “You must hate me.”
Her smile is sad. “I wish I did. That’d make this easier. But I deserve more than second best. You’re a good man, Chase. I hope like hell she knows how lucky she is.”
There’s nothing else to say. Telling her I love her would only hurt. We both know it’s not the same love I hold for Alicia.
