Page 88 of All of Him
I grabbed it from the bedroom, turned it on, and hoped there wasn’t an onslaught of messages and missed calls. The Bettes knew where I lived, so if Amanda, Teel, or—God forbid—Tony wanted to kill me, I’d have already been dead.
My stomach churned as I sat back at the kitchen table and waited for texts to pop up. Surprisingly, only one displayed on the screen. It was from Amanda and not at all what I’d expected.
You take the time you need. I’ll be here when you’re ready.
I took a deep breath, pulling my knee to my chest and sinking forward. I wanted that so badly, but it wasn’t right. I looked at my screen, grateful to at least be able to have some empathy, but my selfishness again won over.
We are still friends, Amanda. I will see you at work. I need space right now, but I am still here if you need me.
Pausing, I contemplated adding something else—something she could look at to be reminded of our brief time together.
I love you, I typed.
What Ishouldhave told her was to not waste her time, waiting for a guy who was going to be a shitshow the rest of his life. I should have pushed her to go out and find someone who deserved her. But, like I’d learned with Morgan, depression made you selfish. I was clinging to the only thing I had even though it wasn’t fair.
Amanda responded with a heart emoji, then didn’t answer me again, so I shut off my phone and walked over to the piano. I ran my hand along the keys gently, accidentally hitting one. The sound jarred instead of comforted me, and I stepped back from it quickly. The adverse reaction to a sound I normally loved confirmed yet again that I had a long journey ahead of me.
49
Amanda
TEEL THREW ON HERcoat and grabbed her keys and a Whiffle ball bat before I managed to physically hold her back from driving to Noah’s to confront him. She had known as soon as she saw my face in the doorway what had happened—or so she thought.
Between telling her nearly everything—only leaving out the extremely personal things—and reminding her that I had known what I was getting into, she relaxed. I had cried all of my tears; all I could do was look her in the eyes and tell her I would be okay.Thatwould turn out to be a lie if Noah never made good on his vision of an us.
If he hadn’t told me he loved me, I wouldn’t be waiting. I didn’t tell Teel any of that either, not the waiting or the words exchanged. I didn’t want her to think I was being crazy. Heartbreak sucked. We’d had everything for four days, and all of it had been ripped from us because of a flashback that sent Noah into a downward spiral.
Old me wanted to drive to his house and beg for him not to leave me, even for just a short while. New me knew that he needed time to figure things out. I could only hope that his realization involved having me in his life as more than a friend. I wasn’t sure, after that trip, whether we could everbejust friends again.
I got to work early the next morning so that I could get a head start on my emails from being away. Penny was supposed to have fielded everything important, but I knew I’d still have a bunch to sort through, especially with the promotion taking place in the next week.
I had never been to work early enough to be the one flipping lights on, but it was a good day to start. It would be a distraction from all the Noah bullshit. When I’d woken up and after I had a triple-shot latte, I’d told myself that my focus was to be on my work until Noah came tome.
I booted up my computer and clicked on my email. A red number twenty-one popped up next to the Unread bar. One of them was from Brayden, and it was flagged as high importance. While I highly doubted that anything coming from him would be important, I did what I was supposed to do and clicked on his first. It took about three seconds for my stomach to drop to the floor.
Hey, Amanda!
I just wanted to say, no hard feelings. I know you were the favorite, but we can’t argue with what the higher-ups decided, can we? I wish you the best, and I look forward to being your boss!
Regards,
Brayden
I couldn’t breathe. My jaw went slack, and I sank back into my chair. Grasping on to anything I could, I searched the other emails that had come in for any sign that Brayden was screwing with me. He wasn’t. HR had sent an email to me to officially redact their offer, explaining that Brayden had more leadership and people skills. They apologized for “initially miscalculating the qualities best for the job.”
I stood up and turned off my computer, not knowing what to do. All I did know was that Brayden had stolen the one saving grace I had other than Noah and that he would be my boss. I needed to leave. I needed to get the fuck out of there before I threw something.
“Amanda,” Claude said quietly behind me.
I turned to see him standing there, hands in his pockets and apology written all over his face.
“I fought as hard as I could.”
“I know,” I whispered, my voice shaking. “Thank you, Claude. Where’s Oscar? I could use some wisdom right about now.”
Claude’s face fell, and he shook his head.
“They forced him into early retirement. But I think that’s what he wanted anyway.”
