Page 86 of All of Him
“I HEAR IT, ALLof it,” Noah said quietly.
I pulled over where he had said to and undid my seat belt immediately, leaning over to check on him. His eyes were open but cloudy with tears, and he was looking straight ahead. I knew he wasn’t seeing or hearing me. He shook, his hand gripping the handle and turning white. I had never seen him so undone, so terrified.
“Noah,” I whispered, hesitant to touch him.
“The car was upside down,” he gasped. “Garrett was screaming and in so much pain, but I couldn’tfuckinghelp him.”
“Noah,” I said again, letting my fingers barely graze his shoulder despite my apprehension to do so.
“My arm was trapped. It was so fucking broken and torn, and all I could think about was Garrett being crushed to death. I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t…”
My heart cracked into a billion pieces as he let his head sink into his hands, leaning forward in his seat.
“He got so quiet. There was total silence. Ihatedthat silence!” he screamed, punching the dash. Quickly, he lowered his voice, then stared forward. “That’s when I knew he was gone.”
I had known we shouldn’t drive down that road, but he’d seemed so adamant that it would fix him. And maybe it would. Maybe he’d needed to get through that moment. But I was petrified, both of us helpless in the situation. Noah ripped himself apart once we passed that intersection, and all I could do was wait for him to calm down.
It took forever, but the tears slowed. His breathing deepened. I reached out, grabbing his hand, but he pulled his away immediately, shaking his head and crying. I rubbed his back lightly, but he shook that off too. I was at a loss.
Tears streamed down my own face, partially for the uncertainty of what to do, but mostly because the man that meant so much to me was disappearing right in front of my eyes. I lost my Noah in that car, and only the Noah who Morgan had walked away from remained.
My heart tumbled down a gorge as Noah finally lifted his head, his eyes finding me, more tears falling.
“I should never have kissed you.”
I drove us back to the hotel, somehow not hitting anything along the way. Despite the fact that we had to pack to leave for the next morning, Noah collapsed into his bed in his clothes. I stood there, heartbroken and angry, but I couldn’t show it. Noah had just gone through the toughest thing since the accident, and it wasn’t the time to pick an argument.
The old me would have flipped him over and shaken him, begging for answers and crying loudly.Why would you sleep with me if you weren’t sure?The old me wanted to make him sleep in the hallway, then rip his favorite shirt up just to piss him off.You kissed me to fucking change your mind three days later?!The old me only cared about my own heart.
The new me prioritized Noah’s.
Noah wasn’t just any guy. He was everything. He deserved, after all he’d been through, to sleep for the next twelve hours. He deserved for me to pack for him despite everything. Noah had been through enough, and I wasn’t going to drag him through the mud for it. It might have been pointless for me to admit it to myself after everything that had just happened, but I loved him.
And that was where the old me vanished.
I woke Noah up with a cautious kiss on the cheek the morning we left. Though he didn’t shrug me away, he simply thanked me quietly for packing his things and refused to eat breakfast. I drove to the airport carefully, and he stared out the window the whole time, his hand gripping the handle.
The plane held the same sequence of events. Noah slept, his hood up and his hair an absolute disaster under his hat. I sat there and pulled my own hood up, letting tears silently stream down my face. A few people noticed, but I looked away, not wanting to share my problems with anyone.
I’d slept with him almost every day since the first night we’d kissed. I’d woken up to his smile every morning. He had been doing so well, and then he’d completely and utterly broken himself. He didn’t want a hug or a kiss. He didn’t even seem to remember the whole trip had happened. My only saving grace was the fact that he squeezed my hand back when I grabbed it on the drive to my apartment.
“Don’t leave me like this,” I said, my eyes burning from fighting back more tears. “Noah, don’t.”
He shut off his car and looked at me from the driver’s side, his scar redder than I’d ever seen it due to the lack of makeup and excess crying.
“Please,” I whispered.
Noah reached out and wiped my tears away with his thumb, then caressed my chin.
“I’m so fucking sorry,” he said, barely any emotion in his words. He’d run out of everything—including tears. “I thought I had it all in the bag. I thought I was ready.”
He paused, looking into my eyes, then let his hand fall to his lap.
“As much as I want to be with you right now, you can’t pull me out of this one. I won’t let myself drag you down like I did to Morgan. I need time.”
I sniffed, his face becoming cloudy through my tears.
“I have to be honest with you, Manda,” he continued, letting the slightest smile slip for the shortest possible time. “I see an us. And I can’t—shouldn’t—ask you to wait. But I’m going to…becauseI love you, and I think you love me too.”
