Page 78 of All of Him
I sat down on the couch and held my arms out, having no idea what I was actually doing. I’d never held a baby before. As soon as she placed him in my arms though, it felt like my entire world shifted.
“Oh my God,” I said, tearing up. “He has his eyes.”
Morgan sniffled and sat next to me, but I couldn’t look away.
“Hey, Jackson,” I said through a few stray tears. “I’m your uncle Noah.”
“He’s cranky like Garrett too,” Morgan said, laughing lightly. “He’s going to be a handful.”
I still didn’t look away from Jackson, partially because I didn’t want anyone to see the tears in my eyes, but mostly because I simply couldn’t. Garrett’s face blared into my memory, smiling just like his son’s.
“I’m so sorry, Noah.” Morgan started sobbing, hugging her middle.
From the corner of my eye, I noticed Amanda wandering back into the kitchen, giving us some space.
“You got this guy though,” I said, trying to comfort Morgan. “And don’t worry about me. You made a bad decision, but we weren’t meant to be. It’s best we didn’t stay together.”
I finally looked up at her and saw tears streaming down her face. She was smiling slightly at my words but still clearly upset.
“You never loved me,” she stated, her smile remaining. “I knew you never would. Garrett was justthereone night. We both regretted it so much. We were going to tell you, but then…”
I looked back down at the baby as Morgan stopped talking. She didn’t need to continue. We both knew why she hadn’t told me as planned.
“You’ve been through enough too,” I said honestly. “You’re a single mom, and it looks like you’re doing a hell of a job. So, please don’t be angry with yourself anymore. Okay? You take care of yourself and my nephew.”
“Okay,” she answered, almost in a whine as she wiped away tears. “I’ll do my best.”
I looked back down at Jackson, who’d fallen asleep in my arms. His even breathing eased my heart, and I knew I wouldn’t be having a panic attack in front of Morgan. At least, not in that moment.
“You look so good, Noah,” Morgan said, smiling. “I’m really happy you found someone. And I’m glad you’re doing better.”
“Um,” I started, making sure Amanda wasn’t within earshot, “Amanda isn’t…we’re just…”
Morgan raised her eyebrows and shook her head.
“You brought a girl to Ireland with you, and you’rejustfriends? I see that look in your eye. You never looked atmethat way.”
I could tell that she was genuinely interested in my life, but I still didn’t want to let her in on anything regarding Amanda. Whether I forgave her or not, I wasn’t about to take advice from my cheating ex.
“I’m still getting better,” I admitted. “And that’s where I am in general right now. If Amanda’stheone, so be it. But now isn’t thetime.”
“I’d bet on her being something to you someday,” she whispered. “Don’t fight that too hard. You need someone like that.”
“Maybe I do.” I shrugged, looking back at Morgan.
She, just like everyone else I knew, was completely in the dark about my lowest moment. I, myself, rarely acknowledged its existence other than subconsciously. Only on my darkest days did the memory rear its ugly head. Telling Morgan wasn’t in the cards, and telling Amanda was something I hadn’t evenbegunto work up to. I needed her, but I also knew I needed to be fair to her.
“I have to be careful. She doesn’t know the half of it.”
“So, tell her,” Morgan responded, as if the solution were simple. “Tell her everything.”
“And then watch her run away?” I scoffed, checking the doorway to make sure Amanda wasn’t listening. She wasn’t even aware there was something that she was missing. “Youdon’t even know everything, and you ran.”
Morgan shook her head, frustrated, then looked back at Jackson as she spoke.
“I had to.” She nodded toward the baby. “Not that you gave me much of a choice. Noah, I’m not going to hold anything against you. I watched you basically disappear. I couldn’t do it anymore.”
Her eyes flicked to mine as she continued, stern with her words, “If you let Amanda in on everything, maybe she’ll see something I couldn’t. All I know is that you’reyouagain, and that’s something I never thought I’d live to see. She is special to you. Please do not throw that away.”
