Page 74 of All of Him
“You’re my little sister, and I need to know what is happening.”
“Nothing…”
“Stop that!” she scolded. “It’s so goddamn obvious that you are into him. And the way that boy looks at you? Holy shit, Amanda. But he’s not ready for anything. You might have dragged him out of the emotional ditch he was in, but he’s still in pieces. You are going to get your heart broken.”
Maybe it was the way her voice strained with concern, or maybe it was the fact that I was tired of not telling anyone anything about Noah and me, but I cracked. I explained every little incident that had happened between us. I left out his personal secrets, of course, but I gave Teel most of the information I had, so she could give me proper advice. Because who was I kidding? I had never felt this way about anyone, especially not someone who was so totally unavailable.
“So,” Teel started after I finished my long description of the friendship, “you’re basically head over heels for someone for the first time ever—someone who clearly isn’t into dating—and you’re flying across the world with him in two weeks to be his emotional pincushion?”
“Sure,” I sighed.
Teel covered her face with both hands and shook her head.
“I’m completely aware of what could happen.”
“You mean, you know you’re probably going to get hurt?”
I nodded, playing with a loose thread on my quilt.
“I’ve never felt this strongly about anyone,” I argued. “If he’s in my life, I’ll take what I can get. I’ve never felt so whole, soalive,than I do with Noah. It’s like every time he seems to be doing better, I get better. I didn’t even know I needed that. I’m still an awkward, sarcastic pain in the ass…but I apparently have real feelings too.”
“Look,” Teel sighed, putting her hand on my knee and ignoring my attempt at a joke, “I’m happy for you that you have him. But you haveneverbeen through anything too tough. And a broken heart is one of the worst things you can possibly go through. In an effort tonotgo from zero to sixty emotionally, I have to advise you not to go to Ireland. But I know you won’t listen.”
“I have to be there for him, Teel,” I responded, shaking my head.He’s meeting his dead brother’s son.“This trip isn’t about me.”
“Then, for the love of God, Amanda,pleasetake care of yourself over there.”
40
Noah
TRAVELING BACK TO IRELANDwasn’t something I’d wanted to do to begin with. Going back in January? What a terrible decision. The cold bit at every piece of exposed skin, adding to the emotional trauma I was going to endure on the trip.
I shoved all of the luggage into the trunk of the rental and walked to the driver’s side to escape the cold. Amanda stood there, looking like a giant marshmallow in her puffy white coat. She said something, but her voice was too muffled from her scarf for me to understand.
“Other side of the car,” I said.
I tried not to laugh as she looked in the window and noticed the steering wheel. Hopefully,Iremembered how to drive on the left quickly enough so that we didn’t have any trouble. I wanted to get settled in the hotel after being in planes and airports for almost fourteen hours.
“Right,” she said, nodding and walking to the passenger side.
I climbed in and blasted the heat, though the air was still cold in the vents. The whole car rapidly started to smell like the city of Dublin—a smell I’d never thought I’d experience again. I secretly loved it, though a lot of natives would say it resembled something less pleasant.
“Ready?” I asked Amanda.
She looked down at the dash, still confused about the wholeleft-side drivingthing, then shrugged.
My plan of action regarding our recent moment on my porch was one ofnoaction. I didn’t bring it up, and I put in my best effort to not touch her and stifled my erratic heartbeat when I was around her. Judging by the way my chest had fluttered at the sight of her smile when I picked her up for the airport, my plan was garbage.
Tony had drilled me thoroughly at Christmas, but I had done my best to tell him the truth without explaining too much. Was I crazy about his daughter? Yes. Was I fighting tooth and nail to keep something from happening? Also yes.
Despite being so damn thin from running all the time, I was really starting to feel like my old self again. Assuming I wasn’t going to gain much muscle back, I’d gone out and gotten jeans that actually fit. Amanda had shoved multiple compliments down my throat for that, then proceeded to whip her notebook out right in front of me again. If I wasn’t mistaken, she was running out of pages.
Emotionally, I needed the Xanax and running less and less. I was getting a runner’s high instead of a level head, and I’d laughed out loud the first few times it happened. I was doing a good job of taking care of myself, and it was partially because I’d detached myself from the country where everything had happened.
I was also aware that being back in Dublin was going to hit me like a freight train. Whether it happened as I stepped off the plane or when I saw Morgan was up for debate. Still, I knew I’d need my meds at some point. I told myself, if all went well, I’d propose a more intimate relationship with Amanda. I wanted it so badly, but I needed to prove to myself that I could handle it. I also needed to get more of an idea as to how she felt because I didn’t want to scare her.
“Everything is beautiful,” Amanda said when we stepped out of the car.
