Page 94 of All of Him
“That would have been nice,” I admitted, surprising even myself. “But it’s not what happened in the end. Because now, both of them are dead, and it’s just you and me. And you’re in here for good.”
Mom nodded knowingly and looked around, surveying her home for likely the rest of her life. When she looked back at me, I was surprised to see a smile on her face.
“I’m at peace, Noah. Here, I am away from what harms me. It’s around here somewhere, but looking for it isn’t on my radar. I don’t want to do that. I’m okay. And knowing thatyou’reokay…”
“I’m not,” I cut her off. “I’m definitely not okay. Not atall. But I’m working on it.”
As much as having a heart-to-heart with my mother hadn’t been part of the plan, I did want her to know that I’d hit rock bottom. She needed to see what she’d perpetuated.
“I’m sorry…” she started, hanging her head.
“Don’t,” I cut her off again. “Don’t fucking apologize. It doesn’t change anything. I’m still angry with you—forgiven or not. I don’t want to see you. I’m only here to get all of this off my chest, and then you’ll never see me again.”
“Honey,” she whined, her tears returning. “Maybe just once a year?”
I shook my head, though the offer was doable. It wouldn’t be too difficult, and it wouldn’t be the hardest thing I’d go through. I could tell that she cared, that she wanted to be better. I just didn’t have much faith in her. I also didn’t see myself everwantingto visit her.
“Maybe I’ll come back again,” I said. “Maybe I won’t. I will tell you though that I met someone.”
My mother’s eyes lit up, and her jaw dropped, as if it were unbelievable that I’d been able to nab a girl. Hell, it surprisedmesometimes that Amanda wanted me. “Does that make you feel better?”
She nodded and reached out to my hand, only patting it. I watched the awkward contact, chills running up my arm as my mother touched me for the first time in years. Once they had started doing drugs, I could count on one hand how many times she’d hugged me.
“What’s her name?” she asked, her voice raspy but light.
“Amanda,” I answered, not sure if there was a reason to keep it from her. It wouldn’t hurt. It wasn’t like she had any contact with anyone on the outside, and it was nice to admit out loud that I felt that way about Amanda. It almost sparked a smile within me.
After she had left the other night, a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders. I’d let myself cry like a baby, relieved that I wouldn’t lose her despite everything. She could have easily walked away, never to have to cater to me again, but she wanted to. She wanted to be there for me, which meant that I needed to put in my best effort to get better.
My therapist had told me that seeing my mother and forgiving her would help me release some internal tension. Whether or not I agreed with them, I was the suicidal one, and they had a PhD. They knew better, and whatever they told me to do, I’d do it. That was especially true if it meant being closer to having Amanda.
I sat there with my mother, talking to her as lightheartedly as possible for an hour. I shared with her what I did for work, what Ireland had been like, and even what I’d done to the house. She seemed surprised, but also impressed. There were promises that I’d bring pictures for any future visit, and that was enough to make her okay when it was time for me to leave.
We didn’t hug. We didn’t even shake hands. What we had done was speak genuinely, and I felt so much better. It was the biggest weight I’d felt come off of me since leaving Ireland. I’d confronted all of my demons, though some I was still very much dealing with. The depression would persist, but I knew it would also get better over time.
And in that moment, for the first time in days, I was hungry.
53
Amanda
CLAUDE HAD NOT LETme down. It had taken a week, but he’d gathered enough emails and texts from various girls throughout the company and presented them to HR. Not only did we have enough harassment amassed to remove Brayden from the position, but we also had so much that theyhadto fire him.
The things that were presented in the meeting with HR were far more disturbing than I’d expected. What he had said to me was nothing compared to some of the other girls. I’d vowed to never take the high road again when it came to harassment. Even if I could handle what was being thrown at me, I needed to be aware that others might also be affected, especially if I was going to be in a higher position. I felt incredibly guilty for my lack of action, but I’d be sharp about it in the future.
If I were lucky, it’d take my thoughts away from wondering about a certain someone. But I wasn’t that lucky.
Since moving into Claude’s office in February, I hadn’t seen much of Noah at work. He’d walk by every morning, sometimes smiling, but we didn’t hang out. I gave him his space, but I made sure to check in once a week or so to make sure things were going okay—personally and professionally.
Every interaction we had felt easy, and I had no doubt that we would be able to pick up right where we’d left off when the time came. Time was my enemy though, and we were going on the end of May.
Teel had mentioned how proud she was of me for not pounding down his door, but she didn’t know the whole story. She didn’t know the severity of what he’d gone through. I wished I could tell her, to be able to confide in her more than I already had been. But I had to respect Noah’s wishes on privacy.
Penny and I had gone to happy hour a few times since the last night I’d gone to Noah’s. While I didn’t tell her much, she was aware that we had feelings for each other. Despite her odd tendencies and the things that spewed out of her mouth, she was a good listener. Sometimes, her advice was questionable, like bathing in rose water to soothe my broken heart, but she had good intentions.
“Boss,” Noah said jokingly, knocking on my door.
“Hey!” I said, waving him into my office.
