Page 67 of All of Him
I knew I’d said too much. On the one hand, she looked flattered by my words. On the other hand, she looked overwhelmed. I closed my eyes and leaned back against the couch.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized. “But that’s the truth. You’re my best friend, Amanda. What my ex thinks isn’t relevant. I just need to meet my nephew.”
“I get it,” she said softly. “And that means a lot.”
“It’s the truth.” I shrugged. I felt the wine caress me again, as if a blanket were covering every wounded part of me, encouraging me to be open and honest. It was dangerous. “You’ve helped me a lot. I’ve come out of my shell, and I feel like myself for the first time in a long time. That’s why I asked you to come with me. I’ll pay your way if…”
“No!” she argued. “I’ve got that covered. The fact that you’re asking is beyond expectation. I’m looking forward to it.”
I smiled back weakly, then downed the rest of my wine. I hadn’t felt so inebriated since the Jameson night, and with the things that had happened in the previous twenty-four hours, I wasn’t so sure I could act responsibly.
“Will you stay over?” I asked.
Amanda swirled her glass again, then finished it. She seemed apprehensive, as if she were afraid of what might happen.
“Please?”
“Do you think I’m pretty?” she asked before turning bright red.
I laughed out loud as she covered her face with both hands.
“Beautiful,” I clarified. “Especially if you put that in your book.”
Amanda dropped her hands but laughed at her own question.
“Tell me something,” she said, trying to stop laughing. “Tell me about your first time.”
I raised my eyebrows and pulled my knees loosely to my chest.
“You don’t have to be detailed. Just, with how skittish you are, how did you know it was the right thing to do?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted, shaking my head. “I just knew that I’d been dating the same girl for a couple of months and thought we should probably make some moves…” I paused, not sure what else to say. “Why do you ask?”
“I don’t know,” she answered genuinely. “I’m just trying to gauge your psyche regarding relationships and women in general.”
I laughed and stretched my legs out on the couch, letting them touch her feet slightly.
“It’s stupid, I know.”
“It’s not stupid,” I said back, shaking my head. “But I really don’t have a good answer. How about you?”
“I’m a slut, remember?” she responded.
Her words made me want to shake the thought out of her. I hadn’t been prepared for the comment. I’d thought she’d gotten over that incident.
“I’m kidding, Noah. I just thought it was time.”
“Okay,” I said back, not really knowing what else to say.
In reality, I wanted to lean over and cover her body with mine. I wanted to make every inch of her need me as much as I needed her. I wanted Amanda Bette in every way that I couldn’t have her. And for a few seconds, she seemed to want me too.
But I did have her in some ways. I had her in my life, in so many parts of it. I had her in my house the next morning, so I could cook her breakfast. I had her in my truck on the way to her apartment the next day. And even though nothing further was said or done about the kiss, it had been the start of something I knew was going to be the change I needed.
I had a best friend—something I hadn’t thought possible in over a year. That best friend meant so much more to me than she knew. She’d pulled me out of the darkness, and she continued to, without asking for anything in return. Without her, I wasn’t sure where I would have gone. More meds? Running until my body just gave up? Her falling into my life was more powerful than either of those things could be, combined.
I had less and less panic attacks, and I could look in the mirror without flinching. Unless I was going somewhere, I’d even stopped covering my scar. Work was good—boring but good. I had everything I needed; I just had to stay on track.
Whether going back to Ireland would break me again was something I wouldn’t know until I got there. It was part of the reason I’d asked Amanda to go. I would probably need some support, and she was the only person I wantedgivingme any support. I hoped that I wouldn’t be too much of a mess, but I knew she’d give me all that I needed if something happened.
