Page 63 of All of Him
“Okay,” I whispered. “That was easier than I’d thought.”
Noah laughed and patted the pillow next to him. I hesitated but lay down, both of us on our sides and facing each other.
“No covers for me?” I asked.
“I sleep naked, so probablynotthe best idea,” Noah answered, grinning.
I blushed and covered my face with my hand. I was lying in bed with Noah Murphy, only a blanket acting as the barrier between his naked body and me.
“Does that make you uncomfortable?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“I can get dressed if you want, but youdidkind of come over early without giving me a heads-up.”
“Sorry about that.”
Noah shook his head, as if it wasn’t a big deal.
“And sorry you had to read that story from my book.”
“Oh man,” he groaned, covering his eyes. “That was awful.”
“It was so much worse than I wrote too,” I explained, remembering my poor roommate who’d had to tell me what I was covered in. “I threw away the shirt and showered for, like, an hour.”
“Sounds bad.” Noah chuckled.
“You have no idea.”
34
Noah
AMANDA AND I TALKEDfor a couple of minutes, our voices becoming quieter as the conversation went on. Eventually, my eyelids fell, and I drifted off into sleep again. When I woke up, Amanda’s back was to my front, and I was holding her loosely. My forearm was draped along her side, and my knees bumped her calves softly. We weren’t close, but the little bit of touch threw me right back to where I’d been the night before.
When I’d gotten home, I’d had to run. I ran despite the drinks in me, a new headlamp lighting the way through the darkness. I’d thought a lot about what had happened and chalked it all up to drinks and the accidental touch we’d shared.
But that moment in my bed called attention to an issue.
This wasn’t a fleeting thrill.
I did not deserve a girl like Amanda, but she was all I wanted. I wanted to pull her closer, to nuzzle my face into the back of her neck. I wanted to feel her stretch out next to me, climb under the covers, and get naked with me. I wanted her, every part of her, and it was a problem.
The feeling wasn’t just sexual tension, which scared me to no fucking end. With other women, I’d thought I’d had real relationships. But I realized, lying there next to Amanda Bette in my bed, that I’d never had any kind of deep emotional bond with another woman.
I didn’t lust after her. Did I want her in that way? Absolutely. But what I wanted more was the connection, a connection we were already building. I wanted it bigger, more than I’d thought I was capable of. For the first time since the accident and maybe even in my life, I felt the desire to be an important part of someone else’s life.
But I wasn’t there yet.
I couldn’t give her what she needed. She wasn’t big on commitment, so I needed to make sure I’d be able to ease things along. The rush I felt for her would not allow me to do that. I still hadn’t gotten over my guilt from the accident, and the good feelings I was having were hitting me too hard. I felt an internal flip-flop, and I didn’t want to hit her with the good side and then dump the bad on her when I couldn’t handle it.
Whatever was in my heart for her would have to wait. In order to take care of her heart, I needed to take care of myself. Not to mention, I didn’t even know if she’d ever feel the same.
Amanda stirred next to me, and I let myself slide a little closer to her. I wanted to see how much I could push myself, test my resistance. Letting my forehead hit the nape of her neck, I breathed in lightly, memorizing her smell. I let my arm fall over her more, wanting to pull her closer, but the sound of the front door shutting echoed throughout the house.
“Shit,” she said, shooting up, though groggy. “My dad has no idea I’m here!”
“Quick,” I hissed at her. “Get out! Tell your dad I picked you up this morning for breakfast. I’ll be down in a minute!”
