Page 58 of All of Him
“Noah, you’re okay. Can I rub your back?”
I nodded, relaxing a little as soon as her fingers hit my shoulder blade. The touch pulled me slowly back into reality, my breathing becoming more even and deep. It took a few minutes, but I made my way back with her help. Go figure that the one thing I tried to avoid—touch—was what seemed to bring me off the edge of a full-blown panic attack.
“How did word get out?” I asked, feeling better but still keeping my head down.
“I don’t know,” she answered, moving her hand to my shoulder and letting it stay there. “But my dad knew somehow. I should have told you; I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I responded, finally lifting my head up.
Amanda dropped her hand but didn’t step back.
“Do you need to go for a walk or anything?”
I shook my head.
“You sure?”
I looked up at her. Her face still read so much concern, and I wanted to reassure her that I was okay. I stood up slowly and squeezed her shoulder, knowing I shouldn’t give her a hug at work.
“I’ll be all right,” I said, trying to smile. “Meds.”
“Right. Let me know if you change your mind, okay?”
I nodded and grabbed my bag before heading back to my cube. I needed a few minutes to process some stuff, but I didn’t want to pull her away from what she was doing. I knew she had a lot going on, and I wasn’t going to impede any of it. Despite her willingness to help, I felt like a burden.
I was just the broken guy she’d befriended before knowing about my problems.
31
Amanda
SEEING NOAH HAVE Apanic attack a second time hadn’t been any easier than the first. It seemed to go away more quickly though, and he hadn’t shed any tears like before. Still, my own heart was pounding as I tried to both calm him down and block him from view. The openings in our cubicles faced a wall, so I was sure no one had seen, but Penny would have if she had walked by.
“Hey,” I said, walking into Claude’s office.
“Amanda!” he said as soon as he saw me, concerned. “Is Noah okay?”
I shut the door behind me and sat in the most intact chair I could find.
“He’s okay,” I answered. “He’s obviously having a rough time. The fact that people know threw him off.”
I didn’t want to share anything with Claude that Noah didn’t want me to, but I also needed to make sure Claude understood enough of the situation. He really just wanted to help everyone that he could, but there was a line that he knew he couldn’t cross. With good intentions, he’d crossed it and felt bad.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
“He’s not mad at you,” I assured. “He just wasn’t ready to face people. And don’t worry about how he reacted to me. I’d have done the same thing if I’d thought what he did.”
Claude shrugged and waved it off.
“You didn’t feel unsafe with Noah just now, did you?”
“God, no,” I cut him off. “Noah is harmless. I just wanted to make sure you knew everything was taken care of. That might have been alarming for you.”
“As long as both of you are okay, then I’m okay. But keep an eye on him, all right?”
“You got it,” I said, saluting him jokingly. “I’ll do what I can.”
“And, Amanda?” Claude called, fake cheer in his voice. “You rock.”
