Page 49 of All of Him
Was it a panic attack? Was it aheartattack?
“Do you need anything?” I asked.
Noah shook his head, his back rising and falling quickly as he gasped for air. Eventually, he tilted his head up and sat back against the wall, his eyes tightly shut and tears running down his cheeks. My heart absolutely shattered at the sight, but I still had no idea what to do. He’d never shown this much emotion in front of me.
All I could think of to do was reach out and grab his hand.
26
Noah
IT WAS BOUND TOhappen—having a full-blown panic attack in front of someone. What I hadn’t expected was for the someone to be Amanda, especially not before I warned her that itcouldhappen. She’d done nothing wrong by taking down the posters, but I obviously hadn’t been ready for the change. My adrenaline had gone into full overdrive, and I couldn’t even stand within two minutes.
I was preparing myself to have her run to get my meds, but she did something I didn’t think would even help. She held my hand. The touch shocked me, but I felt her palm’s warmth in my own and squeezed back, hoping I wasn’t hurting her.
“It’s okay,” she said softly. “It’s okay, Noah.”
I was so fucking embarrassed that she was witnessing what was happening. I’d never felt so vulnerable in front of anyone, but she was making it seem like such a small thing—as if my emotional baggage was no burden to her. She didn’t let go, not for the five minutes it took me to catch my breath. And once I finally did, I felt much less embarrassed from looking at her with tears running down my face than I’d thought I’d be.
“Thank you,” I whispered, letting go and wiping away the dampness.
I leaned my head back against the wall and let my breath even out, trying to ignore the fact that I wasn’t alone. Her face showed so much concern, but she was frozen in place, unsure of what to do.
“What happened?” she finally asked, her eyes never leaving mine.
“Panic attack,” I answered bluntly, my throat raw. “I’ve been dealing with them since the accident. I’m a little fucked up.”
Amanda shook her head and stood. When she held out her hand again, I grabbed it and let her help me up. With my legs shaky, I stumbled a bit, but she gripped my arm to steady me. For a brief second, her fingertips lingered on my bicep, and I savored the short-lived comfort.
“You okay now?” she asked.
I nodded and went into the bathroom, allowing her to follow me. There was no use in keeping the Xanax from her at that point. I took a quick glance at myself in the mirror. My face was red, and some of the makeup had washed off from the tears. I grabbed a wash-cloth and wiped the rest off, remembering Tony had already seen me without it anyway.
Amanda leaned back against the bathroom door, rightfully refusing to leave me alone, as I opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed the bottle. I held it in my hands, staring at it for a second, then shook my head.
“I’m okay now,” I said, mostly to myself.
“Anxiety meds?” she asked quietly.
I nodded and put the bottle back. I was calmed down enough to not need it, thanks to Amanda’s help.
“Daily stuff and Xanax as needed,” I specified. “Can you keep that to yourself?”
“Of course,” she responded, her expression sincere.
I turned to face her, leaning back against the counter. I was covered in dirt from digging fence posts, but her eyes stayed on my face, constantly making sure I was okay.
“I’m really okay now,” I assured her. “I promise.”
Amanda nodded and pushed off against the wall, stepping slowly toward me. Cautiously, she reached one of her hands out and lightly rested it against my side, snaking it around to my lower back.
“Can I hug you?” she asked, tears in her eyes.
I nodded, standing up straight and feeling her arms wrap around my waist quickly and tightly. She was so warm, surrounding me with a comfort I hadn’t felt in a long time. As she laid her head against my shoulder, I hugged her back lightly and kissed the side of her head.
“I’m sorry I scared you,” I whispered.
She didn’t say anything; she only squeezed me tighter.
