Page 101 of All of Him
I nodded, closing my eyes briefly as a flashback from the intersection crossed my mind. Faster than ever, it went away.
“Then, why wait? Let her love you. Let her take care of you. God knows she wants to. She knows what she’s getting into. If you think that you’ll ever be totally better, you’ve got another thing coming. And I don’t know what’s going on or what you need to work on, but if you have her, you have all you need.”
“Depression is really fucking hard,” I admitted without thought. “PTSD from the accident gives me flashbacks. Sometimes, I don’t eat. Sometimes, I don’t want to get out of bed.”
Teel’s shoulders dropped in defeat as she realized my reasoning was better than expected.
Trying to give her an idea as to why I needed time, I continued, “Sometimes, I don’t want to wake up.”
Teel’s eyes closed briefly, and I stepped closer, my words becoming softer.
“And then I remember your sister. And every darkness fades. As corny as it sounds, that girl is my light. I need her. But I can’t take care of her yet.”
“Noah…” Teel whispered. “You stupid boy. That’s love. And love is hard. It’s complicated. It’sneverperfect. But if Amanda and you can love each other when you’re like this, what are you waiting for? What you have is manageable, but never cured. You’ll neverbebetter. Love is the best thing for you right now. Let her love you. And let her love younow.”
Her words hit me hard. They found a crevice in my mind and soul and filled it, as if it had always been that simple. Teel was right. Her words gave me insight that I hadn’t had with my cloudy mindset. She’d said something I absolutely needed to have pointed out. I only wished she’d done that sooner—or that I’d figured it out myself.
“And what if I’m scared?” I asked, already having dug myself a hole with what I was sharing with her.
Teel didn’t need to know anything I’d told her just moments ago. But if she was important to Amanda, then she was going to have to be important to me. I’d have to trust her. She held out her arms and tilted her head, as if to ask me for permission. I narrowed my eyes, suspicious but only for a second.
“You’re not a hugger, are you?” she asked, her voice deadpan.
“No. But I guess I can make an exception for Amanda’s sister.”
With the go-ahead in hand, Teel embraced me tightly, her hand cradling the back of my head.
“I’m sorry about everything you’ve been through, Noah. Has anyone told you that?”
I nodded against her shoulder.
“Your sister and my therapist. But it’s nice to hear it again.”
Teel squeezed me tighter, and it felt bizarre. Don’t get me wrong; her hug was comforting, but she was only the second person to hug me in months. And the way she did so? She held me as if she was trying to squeeze the demons out for her sister. But she’d already done enough.
Teel’s words echoed through my head as we stood there in my living room, having a moment I hadn’t thought I wascapableof having until I met Amanda. I was as good as I was going to get. Every potential improvement my mind had was going to be slow. I wanted Amanda there for all of it. I wanted her help getting through it. Before, I had been afraid to subject her to that despite her begging me to do so. But she was going to get me to the best place possible. Like exercise and the piano, she would be the supplement to the medication. Loving Amanda Bette wouldn’t be a cure, but it would be the closest damn thing.
Teel slowly pulled away and stepped back, giving me plenty of space. Instead of the rage she’d plowed into my house with, she looked relieved. She held out her hands questioningly, then spoke.
“So, did you hear what I had to say? Or are you going to continue to run? Because that’s what waiting is at this point. Running from your problems.”
“Um…” I chuckled to myself, realizing I hadn’t really responded to her monologue. “Yeah…how do I do this? Call her and tell her I’ve changed my mind because you stormed into my house?”
Teel laughed and sat on the couch, patting the spot next to her. I joined her, apprehensive, but with the idea that she probably knew what to do.
“I have a plan for that.”
57
Amanda
DESPITE ROLLING MY ANKLEmildly on the cobblestone path going up the aisle, the ceremony for Teel and Delia couldnothave gone better. Dad’s golden retriever did a hell of a job with the ring, not even trying to run away. Was it the treat the minister was holding? Probably. But it was adorable.
Delia and Teel both cried, as did my dad and I. I was eternally grateful that they’d paid their makeup artist to stay for touch-ups. I looked like a raccoon from the beginning of the vows until I cornered her in the back of the cocktail hour hall with my own waterproof liner.
Who doesn’t use waterproof liner on a wedding party?!
Delia’s fairy princess dress, combined with Teel’s mermaid style, would look amazing in photos. Even my dress, a lavender A-line, wasn’t nearly as hideous as a bridesmaid dress could be. I was just hoping the raccoon eyes could be taken care of with Photoshop.
