Page 56 of Starting Back
“I will when you do.”
I groaned, crossing my arms as I leaned against the sink.
“Is this why you stopped by for coffee on the way back from the gym? To scold me about my crappy love life?”
“Not completely. I just thought that as Colin has the girls since you’re at the hospital tonight, we could talk freely.”
“You act like there is something juicy enough that my kids couldn’t hear. The guys I’ve met have been fine. But nothing has felt like a real date. I know, we have plenty of friends who’ve met their husbands on a dating app, but I can’t get into it.”
“What can’t you get into? I agree it’s not the romantic meet-cute everyone dreams of, but it could work if you’d open your mind a bit on these dates.”
“Dates that feel like job interviews. The last guy asked me how long I thought I had left in my childbearing years.”
“You can’t be serious.” Nicole’s face twisted in disgust.
“As a heart attack. I said zero since I am not interested in having any more children. I think that’s probably part of the issue, dating app or not. Even though the men I’ve met are around my age, they seem to be in a rush to settle down and have kids. All I want is someone to have dinner and some good conversation with, and so far, I’m coming up empty.”
“I’m sure every man over forty isn’t using the dating app simply to find someone to knock up and marry. You’ve gone on four dates. Isn’t there a box you can check saying that you don’t want children?”
“I did check it, but the last two guys thought they could convince me otherwise. The last one even said, ‘What’s one more?’ Like Chloe and Emma were potato chips.”
Nicole burst out laughing.
“Well, I am proud of you for getting back out there, however reluctantly.” She came up to where I stood by the sink. “Just good conversation, not anything else?”
I rolled my eyes at her lifted brow.
“When I meet someone I find a connection with, then I’ll think aboutanything else.”
“Well, I think things are about to change for you. Just a hunch.”
“Sure.” I plucked the empty mug from her hand and put mine and hers into the dishwasher.
“That’s it. Fake it till you make it. Hope you have an easy night at work.”
I shrugged. “We’ll see. The last Saturday night I was there, I spent most of my time bullshitting with Buck and assisting other technicians. It’s good extra money for a night. And takes the pressure off making plans.”
Nicole groaned and exhaled a long breath.
“It may not look like it, but I’ve made some progress. I just need a little time to get used to being out there.”
“You seemed to acclimate pretty well when you were in Florida.” She held up her hands as if to stop my protest. “Just saying.”
“Leo was different, and a moot point since this”—I motioned across my kitchen—"this is real life. The dream was nice while it lasted, but I woke up when I left.”
I didn’t mention how Leo still starred in every dirty fantasy I had since I’d come back in July.
And there had been plenty.
I dreaded summer and the full-body flush I’d probably get at the sight of a pool again.
But more than all the great sex we had, I missed the confusing but undeniable connection we’d made. How wonderful it felt to feel beautiful and wanted and understood. Not that my friends and family didn’t want to understand me, but they couldn’t comprehend what I wouldn’t let them see.
My short time with him gave me the validation I shouldn’t have needed but desperately craved to be able to—finally—move on with my life and stop dismissing my own wants and needs like my ex-husband always had.
It was impossible to settle for less than perfect when I’d had a glimpse of what it was like. Or could have been like if things were different.
“I’ll let you get ready for the night. Tell Buck I said hi.”
