Page 41 of Starting Back
Something scratched at my throat at Leo saying he was mine. Maybe at this moment, but we were passing ships as the old saying went, no matter how much it would hurt when I couldn’t see him in the distance anymore when this was all over.
The mattress squeaked under me as I pressed my hands against his chest for balance.
“Let me meet you halfway, baby.” Leo sat up, clutching the back of my neck as he met me thrust for thrust. We fell into a sloppy kiss before my legs started to shake.
He groaned, swallowing my screams until my legs almost gave out under me. Before I knew it, I was on my back with Leo driving into me until he shuddered with his own release.
He kissed my cheek and plopped his head down on the pillow beside me.
“This is a bitch.”
I laughed when he groaned into the pillow, hoping that would stop the burning in my nose. Getting choked up made no sense, but nothing about us made sense. Yet nothing had ever felt this right.
And nothing was more fucking unfair.
SIXTEEN
LEO
Considering the hour and a half of sleep I’d managed to get, I had no business being up this early. I pushed off the bed with a soft grumble and trudged over to the window.
I was just in time for sunrise. I pulled on my shirt and shorts as I peered out the window. The sky broke out into a dozen shades of pink and purple, the horizon stretching across the ocean and reflecting it all.
It was beautiful, but not as gorgeous as the woman behind me in bed, the one I couldn’t look at when I opened my eyes, much less wake up to say I had to leave.
I never stayed long enough with anything or anyone to be upset over a goodbye. The loss I’d had as a teenager made me avoid attachments like the plague I grew up thinking they were. I hadn’t been with Kristina long enough to become attached to her, explosive chemistry and amazing sex aside. Then why was I so damn hesitant to leave her?
Maybe it was the possibility of what could have been if things were different. My life was only my own. I had family and a few close friends who loved me despite how I didn’t see or speak to them as much as I should. But at the end of every day, I was my only consideration.
Kristina had two kids and a life filled with friends and family back in New York. From what she’d shared with me, it was a life new enough to still be finding her way through it.
I liked to think that maybe crossing paths with me would make that easier when she went home. She deserved the best of everything, despite what her tool of an ex-husband made her believe.
I truly hoped she’d have that, even if I couldn’t give it to her.
After the past hour of staring at the stucco ceiling over the bed, a dumb idea flashed in my mind. What if I asked to see her again? Flights to New York weren’t that long. I had clusters of three to five days off sometimes, and it wasn’t like I had to manage anything in my absence. I didn’t have so much as a goldfish to miss me if I decided to travel back and forth on a regular basis.
As much as the thought of giving whatever this was an actual chance tempted me, something stopped me. I couldn’t expect her to drop everything for whenever I’d be able to see her, and after watching her come alive whenever she spoke about her girls, I knew she wouldn’t want to. Putting her in that position would be selfish and as inconsiderate as her dick of an ex.
I knew there was an easier way, but even if I had nothing keeping me here, I couldn’t move for a woman I’d just met. That was plain batshit crazy to even consider.
The thought of a hypothetical real chance with her both thrilled and scared the shit out of me.
The notion of loving someone so much that your body gave out because they were no longer in this world wasn’t just terrifying, it had paralyzed me for my entire life. The chasm was sharp, instant, and irreparable, or so I’d believed until now.
Kristina was the first person to make me wish things were different. ThatIwere different. It all came so easy with her, and from the moment we’d met, it was so damn difficult to let her out of my sight. She’d broken through an important wall before I even realized it, but getting too close would only end up hurting both of us. She deserved a man who could love her full time without years’ worth of barbed wire around his heart.
As much as I hated the fuck out of it, that man couldn’t be me.
“What time is it?”
I clenched my eyes shut at Kristina’s gravelly voice, smiling despite myself at her drawn-out yawn.
“Six. I’m sorry I woke you, but I need to head out.”
I slowly turned, my breath catching in my throat when her hazy green eyes zeroed in on mine, wide and glossy despite the tiny curve of a smile across her lips.
“Did you get enough sleep?”
