Page 107 of Starting Back
“My brother is almost fifty, and he’ll be as hands on with his new baby as he was with Mike because he doesn’t know another way to be a father. You’re as old as you feel.”
“And I feel old.” Buck chuckled. “At least for all the diapers and around-the-clock bottles.”
“There, I feel you,” I agreed. “I couldn’t see doing that again, and Emma’s little enough for me to remember exactly how exhausting it was.”
“Not even with Leo?”
My head jerked up. “What do you mean, even with Leo?”
He chuckled and shook his head. “If you make this permanent, does he want kids of his own?”
I chewed my bottom lip and shrugged. Leo was great with my kids, but he’d never mentioned wanting tohavekids. He’d just settled somewhere for the first time in his life, so I doubted he was there yet.
“Shit, Kristina. I didn’t mean to make you panic.” Buck snapped his fingers in front of my face. “Snap out of it and stop worrying. That was dumb to even say because I’ll bet this is going to roll around in your head until you clock out. If you’re worried, just ask him.”
“It’s not that. I’m sure he’s getting used to settling somewhere if that’s what he’s still doing.”
“What do you mean, still?” Buck pressed, tapping my ankle with his foot under the table when I didn’t answer.
“Everything has been pretty perfect up to this point, which scares me a little. He keeps saying he feels like he’s home, but when we surprised him at his condo for his birthday, it still looked like he’d just moved in. Nothing on the walls and barely any furniture besides a small kitchen table and chairs. He can still pick up and leave without much of a hassle if he wanted.”
“Doesn’t he work two jobs? I’m sure he doesn’t feel like decorating on his days off. I know I sure as hell don’t—and probably wouldn’t if Doreen didn’t insist. Just because he hasn’t hung up a picture doesn’t mean he’s looking to move.”
“I guess, but I still wonder if he’s going to get antsy to move on since that’s all he’s ever done. Winters up here won’t help when he’s so used to a warm climate.”
Buck exhaled an audible sigh and shook his head. “I’ve seen how he looks at you. I’m sure a little snow and ice aren’t going to make him bolt. He’s not a temperamental ass like your ex-husband. He leaned back and crossed his arms. “ Seriously, Kris, where is this coming from?”
I took in a long breath and let it drain from my lungs before lifting my head.
“I love him, Buck. More than I’ve ever loved anyone else, and while it’s wonderful, it’s so damn scary. I know he came here to be near his aunt and uncle and said he didn’t want to leave, but I still can’t stop worrying.”
My heart hadn’t been in it with Colin, at least toward the end, so it didn’t shatter when it was over. My heart would disintegrate if I ever lost Leo. Love like this was as paralyzing as it was exhilarating.
Buck reached across the table and draped his hand over mine. “Besides babies, know what else I think we’re too old for?”
“What?” A chuckle slipped out despite the churning of my stomach.
“Panicking when all you need is a simple conversation. Talk to him.” He flicked his wrist and glanced at his watch. “Go see your niece for a half hour and get your mind off things.”
I threw out the remnants of my lunch and headed to the nursery floor. I found Jake leaning against the glass of the nursery, his eyes glossy as he peered through the window at his new daughter.
“Hey, big brother.”
He smiled, swinging an arm over my shoulder while focusing on the pink bundle behind the glass. “The nurses just gave her a bath. Peyton is still sore and wiped, so I came out here while she slept a little.”
“If she’s wiped now, I feel bad for her when you guys go home.” I snickered and poked his side. “She really is beautiful, Jake. Congratulations.”
“Thank you. That she is.” We both laughed when Keely’s tiny mouth stretched in a wide yawn as the nurse gently brushed her wispy brown hair. “I never thought I’d be here, you know?”
“Meaning what? Being a father again?”
He shrugged. “That. And loving someone this much, now. I figured if it didn’t happen already, it wasn’t in the cards for me or maybe it didn’t exist. I never believed in a great love until I found one.”
I nodded, Jake’s words resonating so much, my vision clouded and my hands shook. I’d never expected a great love to come along either at this point in my life or after a difficult divorce. Buck’s advice made sense. If I was having doubts about what Leo’s plans were, instead of stewing about it and making myself sick, all I had to do was ask him.
Was instinct or fear causing all this uncertainty? I wasn’t sure, but it was beginning to cripple me all the same.
“Kris, what’s wrong?”
