Page 102 of Starting Back
I’d cried for so many different reasons on those nights. Sometimes I’d be so furious that the anger and frustration consuming me at that moment would come out in tears. For others, it was the hopelessness of what we’d become and knowing we couldn’t fix it, and what we’d do to the girls when we’d eventually go our separate ways.
All my daughter saw was my devastation that seemed to be caused by her father. After I’d left the hospital, I’d felt like the worst parent alive. I’d foolishly thought I could love her out of the funk she’d settled into for longer than I could stomach to think about, when there was a bigger issue I didn’t think about or even realize.
“My God,” Colin whispered, resting his elbow against his knee and rubbing his eyes. “She must think I’m a monster. Did she tell the therapist that?”
“No, she told Leo that. In the ER after her stitches.”
“Of course,” he muttered under his breath.
I shut my eyes, trying to empathize with him instead of calling him out for being petty.
“She hasn’t been giving him an easy time either. She’s been wary of him since the beginning because she’s afraid of anyone hurting me.”
He nodded, dropping his gaze to the floor and raking a hand through his hair.
“Have you spoken to her about it?”
I shook my head. “I wanted to do that together. I’m glad she’s seeing a therapist now because this is going to take time for her to work through, but worrying about me and being angry with you has drained her enough. We need to do better by her. By themboth.”
“I agree.” He nodded and lifted his head toward me. “I’m not proud of what happened to us.”
“Neither am I.” I leaned back against the couch cushion and crossed my legs. “We went from growing apart to setting each other off every time we were in the same room.”
“I sometimes wish we would have ended it when Chloe was small, but then…” He trailed off.
“Emma. Yes, I’m right there with you.”
“We shouldn’t have tried so hard to love each other when we didn’t.”
I stiffened at his words. They weren’t laced with malice, simply laid out like the fact it was.
What Colin said wasn’t a revelation, as I’d known that for a long time, but from someone I’d cared enough about at one time to want to marry, it stung to hear out loud.
“I guess arguing about everything with you and blaming you for pressuring me was my way of denying that. But there’s no excuse for how I acted sometimes.”
“No, there’s not.” I expected him to argue with me, but when his gaze met mine, it was still contrite. “But we’ve rehashed everything between us so many times that I don’t have the strength to do it again. We owe it to our girls to truly get along, not talk as little as possible so one doesn’t set the other off.”
“You’re right. And I’m sorry, Kris. Truly sorry for everything.”
“Me too.”
Love was supposed to last no matter how tough things were, but it was more difficult to consider us never really in love than simply falling out of it.
Dwelling on that wouldn’t change the end result. All we could do was go forward.
“So, you and Leo have been together a while?”
I almost laughed at his lifted brow.
“Officially not too long, but he’s a really good guy.”
Colin’s eyes widened at the smile blooming across my face. I hadn’t told Leo I loved him yet, but I’d known it a long time ago, maybe even back in Florida when we’d first met. I never had a second when I didn’t feel loved and appreciated and wanted when I was with Leo.
After forcing it for so long, the way things were so natural between us from the beginning was still a weird novelty, but I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.
Loving someone as much as I loved Leo was a fantastic feeling, if a little terrifying.
After everything, I still wished that for Colin too.
